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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24770626">Dishonor on Ozai's Cow</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlliterateReader/pseuds/IlliterateReader'>IlliterateReader</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack Treated Seriously, Earth Kingdom (Avatar), Field Trip, Fire Nation (Avatar), Gen, Not Beta Read, Not Compliant with Avatar Comics, Politics, Post-Canon, technically AU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:48:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,371</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24770626</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlliterateReader/pseuds/IlliterateReader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by this tumblr thread by @nothing-more-than-hot-leaf-juice and @aboutiroh<br/>https://aboutiroh.tumblr.com/post/619454241683259392/good-morning-loser-lord-sokka-exclaimed-as-he</p><p> </p><p>Sokka was making everything up now. </p><p>The next day, Iroh would brew extra-strong tea. Not that Sokka knew that. Yue giggled. She could’ve told Sokka, but honestly, Iroh brewing extra-strong tea wouldn’t stop him.</p><p> </p><p>or</p><p> </p><p>Ozai must capture the Blue Spirit to restore his bending</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iroh &amp; Sokka (Avatar), Iroh &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Ozai &amp; Bumi, Sokka &amp; The White Lotus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>302</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>878</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. You Have Ten Minutes to Mock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/hot_leaf_juice/gifts">hot_leaf_juice</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'll update tags as I go.</p><p>Again, thanks to the two tumblr users who came up with the base idea. My dumbass braincell just decided to expand it into a whole... thing. </p><p>Also, AU where Iroh opens a teashop in the Fire Nation. It's my personal headcanon that he wouldn't go to Ba Sing Se when Zuko's right there and stressed with running a country, but he can't exactly be in the palace either. So, teashop AU in the Fire Nation. The Jasmine Dragon still exists, it's another branch.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All was well, thought Sokka. Aang defeated the Firelord, oh sorry the <em>Loser Lord</em>, a while back. Heh, that was a good one. </p><p> </p><p>Anyway, now they could focus on rebuilding and all that. Ugh, there was so much to do and so much to schedule, but well, Sokka was up to the challenge.</p><p> </p><p>Right now though, the schedule said that the event right now was ‘Mock King Jerkbender’, who didn’t even have his bending anymore thanks to Aang. Iroh was nice enough to tell them where Ozai’s cell was. Zuko was too stressed to do so, and anyway Sokka suspected that the old man wanted to watch them give Ozai a piece of their minds.</p><p> </p><p>He descended down into the dark, dank cell.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai sat huddled in a corner. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey Loser Lord.”</p><p> </p><p>Ozai didn’t answer. He was still struck mad, his power (and worth, according to him) stolen from him by a child.</p><p> </p><p>“How does it feel to be beaten by a twelve year old?”</p><p> </p><p>Again, no response. It’s important to note here that Ozai still kept his superiority complex and refusal to talk to peasants. Ah, such is myopia. Blame the propaganda. This wasn’t any fun at the moment. Sokka knew what to make him go ballistic, though. “Yeesh, you’re even more of a stick in the mud than Zuko!”</p><p> </p><p>“I am nothing like my worthless son, peasant!” And there he goes. Heh. Sokka was sure that if he had his bending, he’d be spitting sparks out by now. Ah yes, this is why Sokka scheduled this in. Sure, it wasn’t exactly good sportsmanship to mock your helpless, imprisoned enemies, but then again Mister Child Abuser over here never pulled his punches.</p><p> </p><p>“I dunno. Seems really similar to me, you know? Especially when he was still Prince Jerkbender. I mean, bad hairstyle, no honor? Practically a spitting image if you ask me.”</p><p> </p><p>Ozai was puffing up angrily, like a small dog. Except he wasn’t small. But from the jail cell, it was easier to remember that he was ineffectual now. Sokka kept going. Katara was the more impulsive one, but Sokka was the logical science guy. And this was a fun experiment.</p><p> </p><p>“On second thought, even when he was Prince Jerkbender, he was different. For starters, he didn’t try to massacre our village or anything. I guess, while he had zero honor at the time, you have… Is negative honor a thing? The Fire Nation’s all about honor, right? I don’t want to bother Zuko with that, so you can answer that, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, worthless peasant! Negative honor isn’t a thing! And for the matter, while my… son has the rest of the world fooled, he is still as dishonorable and weak as the day he was banished. Conspiring with the Avatar…” Ozai started murmuring.</p><p> </p><p>There it was again. <em>Pop. Pop. Pop.</em> Ozai went off like a firework. But he went off like those cheap ones that blew up in your face, so Sokka was grateful that there was a jail cell between them. </p><p> </p><p>Sokka got an idea. If Ozai knew what that meant, he would’ve tried to run already, even with the jail cell. But he didn’t know what it meant for Sokka to get an idea, so he stayed put.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, what if I told you that I got you a way out? Restore your non-existent honor and all that. You see, the Fire Nation’s been experiencing unrest lately. There’s this... guy, the Blue Spirit. He’s the menace of law enforcement everywhere. He’s being really threatening, enough to make you look irrelevant.”</p><p> </p><p>Ozai looked aghast. <em>How dare someone be more threatening than Phoenix King Ozai!</em></p><p> </p><p>Sokka nodded. “Yep. It’s that bad. Zuko’s getting desperate, you see. Enough that he might even turn to you for help. But you gotta keep it on the down low, alright? I swear, if you capture and return the Blue Spirit alive, that I’ll get Aang, the Avatar, to restore your bending and everything.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’d be honored. When are you arranging for my release?” <em>I’d be honored!</em> Oh good one. Sokka held in a snicker.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, not so fast, Jerk Lord. You see, someone still has to come with. Zuko’d kill me if I just set you loose on the world and everything. So, I got three options for you.”</p><p> </p><p>Sokka was making everything up now. </p><p> </p><p>The next day, Iroh would brew extra-strong tea. Not that Sokka knew that. Yue giggled. She could’ve told Sokka, but honestly, Iroh brewing extra-strong tea wouldn’t stop him. </p><p> </p><p>Sokka rattled off White Lotus masters off the top of his head. Sokka told himself to apologize to them the next time he saw them, or to tell Uncle Iroh. </p><p> </p><p>“Option one. Jeong Jeong. Option two. Piandao. Option three. King Bumi.” Ozai reacted the same way to each option, namely with undisguised disgust and horror.</p><p> </p><p>“Time’s up, you get Bumi.” Sokka didn’t want to make his mentor suffer through Ozai’s presence, and maybe King Bumi might have a laugh at Ozai’s expense. He seemed like the kind of guy.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll see about releasing you in about two weeks.” </p><p> </p><p>Sokka walked away, thinking that two weeks was probably enough time to arrange for Bumi to go fuck with Ozai.</p><p> </p><p>He was determined to make this the best joke of the year. Good thing Aang told them all about his Pouhai Stronghold adventure.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai sat in his cell, already planning his lines to Zuko when he faces his son in an Agni Kai for the throne, as well as the victory speech.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Iroh Needs Really Strong Tea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sokka gets help. An entire organization will be added to "People in the Know".</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Keep in mind the first chapter notes if you're wondering how Iroh's tea shop is walking distance from the Palace.<br/>Namely, Iroh does a teashop AU in the Fire Nation capital. </p><p>Also thanks everyone for the overwhelming positive response! I didn't expect this for my first upload holy fucking shit.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iroh was brewing a nice cup of jasmine tea in the Jasmine Dragon when Sokka barreled in.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh was no longer brewing a nice cup of jasmine tea.</p><p> </p><p>Ah, what a waste. It had scalded. It may have scalded because Iroh breathed fire onto the kettle in surprise, but no one could prove that. Okay, Sokka wasn’t nobody but he didn’t even seem to notice. </p><p> </p><p>Iroh was now looking at a scalded brew of jasmine tea. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Uncle Iroh would you mind if I borrowed Bumi to play a prank on Ozai?” The last part was a squeak. Except Sokka definitely didn’t know what a squeak sounded like. It wasn’t in his vocabulary. His tone expressed <em>squeak</em> loud enough to compensate.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh was unaware of Sokka’s squeaking. He was doing a mental tally of the number of brews he has ruined that week.</p><p> </p><p>The number was one, but he thought it was one too many.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah. Hello Sokka,” Iroh said as he looked up, mournfully patting his tea kettle. “I cannot speak for my friend Bumi, but I can tell him about your idea.”</p><p> </p><p>“I was… so I scheduled time to mock Loser Lord Ozai, I told him he has less honor than Zuko back when he was chasing us—Oh, you’re an honor expert too, right? Is negative honor a thing—Anyway, I pissed him off. And I may have told him that if he captured the Blue Spirit, Aang would restore his bending? Bumi’s supposed to be his chaperone.” Sokka’s voice was frantic, it even went up an octave when he explained the snipe hunt.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, you remind me of my nephew,” Iroh loves Zuko. <em>That was a good thing, right</em>, thought Sokka. “He never thinks things through.”</p><p> </p><p>Hey! Sokka was the plan guy. What did he mean Sokka didn’t think things through? </p><p> </p><p>Sokka had a plan where he was about to take Appa to the Boiling Rock. Iroh knew this full well from one of Zuko’s rants.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, I’m the plan guy! I think things through! I thought about going to you so you can either help me using your secret society thing, or talk me out of this so I can tell Ozai that it was all just a prank. And, hey, it’s a good prank right? I mean, sending Ozai after someone that he’ll never be able to capture, but he doesn’t know it’s impossible. Sounds pretty familiar if you ask me.” </p><p> </p><p>Sokka was trying to salvage what was left of his prank, expecting the worst. Needless to say, his public speaking skills were, to use a metaphor, not in full bloom. Of course, Iroh wasn’t “the public”, but esteemed generals had this trick called “having an imposing presence that made them feel like more than a mere person”, and Iroh kept that mouthful of a skill.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a clever idea.” Sokka exhaled, very audibly, at that. “Where exactly do you plan to send him looking?”</p><p> </p><p>“I… was making everything up after I told him about Aang restoring his bending if he caught the Blue Spirit.”</p><p> </p><p>Seriously. Sokka was too amused at how impossible it was... that he may have decided to leave the details for a later date. It was even in the schedule. There was an art to planning things, after all. Just like real art, the real details were filled in later after the lines made a masterpiece. </p><p> </p><p>“Well. It is incredibly fortunate that we are both well-traveled, no?” Yes. “We can get to mapping places out, after a pleasant game of Pai Sho.”</p><p> </p><p>Sokka held in a sigh. He loved Pai Sho and found it interesting, especially when he played against those White Lotus guys, but it was clearly time to start plotting out a route. Didn’t Iroh scold him for not planning enough? Why weren’t they fixing that by planning?</p><p> </p><p>Sokka sat in for a long game. He’d heard the stories from Zuko. It was partly why he’d played with every member of Iroh’s Order thing but Iroh. The other half of the reason was because he had things to do, like write Suki a letter once all the planning was done, and he couldn’t schedule around a three hour long match.</p><p> </p><p>On the other side of the table, Iroh sat in for a light round to clear his mind off of the loss of his jasmine blend.</p><p> </p><p>Neither of them got what they signed up for. It was a medium length game. It was thirty minutes long, which was a compromise that satisfied neither of them.</p><p> </p><p>To put it simply, Sokka’s strategy was… a clusterfuck. It was a clusterfuck on purpose, which may or may not make it more or less of a clusterfuck.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh laid traps and baits and gambits, demonstrating the expertise of one who has mastered the forms and fundamental principles. </p><p> </p><p>They did nothing because Sokka threw out the idea of following “fundamental principles” and metaphorically got Iroh right in the honor. Hey, they never did set ground rules besides the standard. At least Sokka didn’t outright cheat like Aang did sometimes.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh cried the day he lost to a cheating Aang. The Avatar had to write a formal apology letter and pay for his tea for a week, after a chastisement courtesy of Zuko.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh also cried the day he lost to a not-cheating Aang. Aang still had to pay for his tea for a week.</p><p> </p><p>And now, Iroh was clearly holding back a few tears. Sokka hoped the old man wouldn't strongarm him into paying for his tea.</p><p> </p><p>And so they plotted, labelling things on a map. A scribble here, a scribble there, easy consensus on Pouhai, the Si Wong Desert, and the Swamp, and then general confusion over direction. In the end, the map was full of notes and labelled White Lotus cells that could potentially help.</p><p> </p><p>Oh huh. The Fortuneteller lady was one.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s getting late, Sokka. A man needs his rest. You can come back tomorrow morning to finalize our plan. And to clarify which places you wish to station Momo.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Uncle Iroh. See ya!”</p><p> </p><p>Sokka whistled as he left, still proud of his victory. He was in the guest rooms of the Palace when he realized that he only managed to ask Iroh on negative honor once, and that it got buried in his rambling about his genius prank. Sokka resigned himself to having to drag Zuko out of his office, sorry buddy but Sokka’s gotta know and I asked all the other honor experts. And with that thought, he frantically stopped drifting off to sleep and wrote Suki a letter.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh did a mental tally of shame. His shame number today was two. This was embarrassing. He never had shame numbers that high in a single day since his sieging days. Even Zuko’s Agni Kai merited one shame. It was a very big shame, but it was one shame. The last time he tied or surpassed this day, his shame counter was three hundred and seven. That was the amount of casualties the day Lu Ten died.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh held his head in his hands. What was he doing, wallowing in shame when there was joy to be experienced? </p><p> </p><p>But where was the joy, when the last of his jasmine tea leaves were ruined? Sure, he was receiving a new shipment the next day, but it was the principle that was important.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh sighed and brewed a pot of lapsang souchong. He pushed it until it was a second from over-brewing. It wasn’t his favorite, but it was what he needed right now. It was extra strong.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Iroh chugged it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He did a mental tally of shame. Three.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm not a professional tea drinker, so I did a quick google search of "strong tea". Feel free to correct it if I'm actually an idiot and lapsang souchong isn't strong. The only teas in my house are commercial green tea and some random peppermint tea.</p><p>By the way, credit goes to emletish for the idea of the fortuneteller lady being a White Lotus member.</p><p>snippets of outline nonsense for this chapter:<br/>- funeral for the tea<br/>- sokka, a squeaky toy: yes?</p><p>These didn't quite make it in their original form, but I just found them random.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Conclusion of The Negative Honor Saga</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What it says on the tin.<br/>Also, Sokka talks to Zuko and realizes something.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's chapter 3.<br/>Yep. There's Zuko. Bumi's going to show up in one or two chapters, I swear. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sokka would not make the same mistake he did when he visited the other honor experts. He woke up that morning, scrambled for a piece of paper, and annotated his schedule.</p><p> </p><p><em>Ask Zuko “Is negative honor a thing”</em>  was written in bold characters. And underlined. Thrice.</p><p> </p><p>There. Everything was solved. Now he totally wouldn’t forget about it.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka whistled while he walked. </p><p> </p><p>Iroh did not scald his tea this time. This was in part because he wasn’t brewing tea. The other part was because Sokka was the type of person to yell “Sneak Attack”, at least now that it was peacetime.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh took a sip. Ahh, a fragrant start to a beautiful morning of planning undiluted fuckery. After all, planning was going smoothly so far. </p><p> </p><p>Half of the plans for each location were to send the two somewhere and leave Bumi to do his own thing. </p><p> </p><p>Sokka consulted his schedule. They had an hour, with another thirty minutes for casual conversation.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, let’s do it!”</p><p> </p><p>They did. They did it immediately after that.</p><p> </p><p>“—Where will we station Momo?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ideally, everywhere. Realistically, in creepy places and where he has enough cover to hide that he’s actually a lemur. We should probably avoid putting him in cities.”</p><p> </p><p>Iroh hummed in agreement. “We could make them camp in a forest. There are several towns that are near forests. We could have them search the town then camp in the forest.”</p><p> </p><p>Wait. A town near a forest camp? Oh. That’s who the Blue Spirit reminded Sokka of.</p><p> </p><p>It was bothering him for a year on and off now. Whispering in the back of his head that’s now occupied by the reminder to ask about negative honor. Now that negative honor was out of that mindscape and in the schedule, this one humble thought shoved its way back in.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, we’ve been there. Uncle Iroh. We could doubly fuck with him if we got two Blue Spirits running around at the same time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Who else do you suggest?”</p><p> </p><p>“There’s this guy who also dual wields, and he hates the Fire Nation, last I checked. He also has a forest orphanage and everything. If we get him in on it, maybe that smarmy ass will finally stop bothering Aang about letting him ‘get his vengeance on the Fire Lord’.”</p><p> </p><p>“That sounds good. What’s his name?”</p><p> </p><p>“Jet.”</p><p> </p><p>“This would not be the young man with hook swords who came to Ba Sing Se with a girl named Smellerbee?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh actually yeah, I meant that guy. Your nephew didn’t tell you? We met him and everything.”</p><p> </p><p>“...I was hoping it wasn’t. He caught me heating my tea. He also accused us of being firebenders because I was heating my tea… in a tea shop. Is he really a smart option for this?”    </p><p> </p><p>“Trust me, it’ll work out alright. I’ll just… never tell him about you. As far as he’ll know, he’s pranking disgraced Loser Lord Ozai with Team Avatar and only Team Avatar.”</p><p> </p><p>Something worth noting is that the Universe both loves and hates Sokka in equal measure. Something else worth noting is that the spirits have a sense of humor. </p><p> </p><p>Sokka was too absorbed in planning to hear the chuckles that lurked.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, if you say so.” Uncle Iroh was used to indulgence. For both himself and a headstrong teenager. He did both right now, taking another sip of tea. It was his last. He poured out another cup. Now it was no longer his last sip of tea.</p><p> </p><p>“So, how soon do you think you could organize your White Lotus thing to have a network of messages that go through here, here, and here for false rumors?” Sokka looked away and pointed to random spots on the map. That was a feature, not a bug. It was fun to send Ozai to the middle of nowhere.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not sure about the third one, but I do have a contact in that village, as well as in the Misty Palms Oasis. Ahh my friend’s fragrant flowers, unfortunate that we didn’t stay long.”</p><p> </p><p>Wait, wait, wait. Sokka accidentally pointed at the Misty Palms Oasis? Oh that was golden! Ozai could have the complete Misty Palms Oasis experience! The whole bar shebang, with a day of staring at a sad fountain and everything. </p><p> </p><p>Also it was right next to the Si Wong Desert. Well that helped logistics for the trip across.</p><p> </p><p>The logistics will be necessary. The sandbenders decide to drink cactus juice after the whole… Bumi and Ozai, but enough jumping ahead. The logistics were necessary and being discussed in the moment.</p><p> </p><p>“Flowers?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh yes. One of the members runs a flower shop. Did you know that they smuggled us out using large flower pots?”</p><p> </p><p>No. Sokka didn’t know that. Every day, you learn something new.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, what? How does that even work? Were they just pretending to run a flower delivery service?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes. Although they do actually deliver flowers when their services are unneeded.”</p><p> </p><p>“Your pai sho organization also delivers flowers. Okay.” Sokka’s brain was processing. It always was. </p><p> </p><p>Currently, Sokka’s brain was processing how a cool super-secret old people organization would resort to flowers of all things as a cover. Why didn’t they deliver things like boomerangs? Oh wait. White Lotus. Right. Super cool pai sho club was named after a <em>flower</em> tile. Makes sense that they’d like flowers.</p><p> </p><p>Apparently, Sokka’s brain processed for a smidge too long, because Iroh was already talking when Sokka went back to his Thinking face from his Thinking about Something Else face.</p><p> </p><p>“I think that is all of the planning done. Sokka, I saw a delightful local shop that just opened. Indulge this old man and accompany me.”</p><p> </p><p>Well. Conversation time was now shopping time. Random shop in the Fire Nation, here they come!</p><p> </p><p>“Sure, Uncle.”</p><p> </p><p>In the end, they didn’t have anyone else to carry their stuff so they were limited by what they could carry. This was helped by the fact that Sokka bought a bag. This was not helped by the fact that Iroh bought an odd pig chicken carving, as well as a tsungi horn that came with free sheet music. </p><p> </p><p>They went from loaded to <em>loaded</em>, just as they both liked it.</p><p> </p><p>Wait. The schedule. Yep, Sokka was cutting it close to being late to Random Talk with Zuko. And oh, the negative honor question was there. Written in bold and underlined thrice. Well, time to figure out how to bring that up. Sokka wouldn’t question The Schedule.</p><p> </p><p>Ah, if only Sokka remembered that he was just looking for an honor expert, then he would’ve saved himself the trouble. But this was Sokka. And so in a few moments that never were to be, Iroh talked about his greatest shames and philosophy over a swirling cup of tea.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh has plenty of opportunities for that. But what was going to happen next was a one-of-a-kind conversation. This was why the Universe was the way it was, if it ever wanted to explain itself. </p><p> </p><p>Firelord Zuko was <strike>crying</strike> working out yet another revised version of a trade deal with Gaoling when Sokka crashed the door open, the guards immediately shifting to their stances.</p><p> </p><p>“Firelord Zuko is not to be disturbed!” One guard tried. Little did he know that Sokka had a Reason for disturbing Firelord Zuko. That reason was The Schedule. Zuko understands The Schedule somewhere deep inside him, where shame then anger then awkwardness then awkward stress wasn’t.</p><p> </p><p>“IS NEGATIVE HONOR A THING?”</p><p> </p><p>“Gaoling exports a wide variety of goods, not limited to but including, exotic perfumes, minerals, lumber, jewelry, carrots, roof tiles, and et cetera.” He sounded exactly like Mai when she was mind-numbingly bored.</p><p> </p><p>Something was wrong. Zuko would never ignore a conversation about honor.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka went from slamming the door open and standing in the entrance to actually entering Zuko’s office. </p><p> </p><p>Oh. Zuko was overworking himself again. Where was Mai when you needed her? Or Ty Lee so that she could sit on him and force him to not-work. So now, Sokka had to do all the work. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey. Zuko. Buddy. It’s gonna be okay. When’s the deadline for the trade deal?”</p><p> </p><p>“Next week.”</p><p> </p><p>And oh, it hurt Sokka seeing his friend like this. Sometimes he felt like yelling at the Fire Nation to just get someone else on the fancy chair because the job was figuratively killing Zuko. Other times he liked his friend being the Fire Lord because Aang always greeted Zuko with “Flameo, Fire Lord Hotman”. This was <em>sometimes</em> and not <em>other times</em>.</p><p> </p><p>He patted his friend’s shoulder awkwardly. Time to bring out the humor.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s rough, buddy.”</p><p> </p><p>“Haha. Very funny, Sokka.” Well. That was a relief. Sokka didn’t know what he’d do if he started talking about the Beifongs’ business instead of reacting to the obvious—and hilarious if he did say so himself—joke.    </p><p> </p><p>But he still wasn’t okay. Serious mode Sokka was on.</p><p> </p><p>“Calm down, Zuko. We’ll get through this. I’m the plan guy, remember? And you can always ask your advisors to help. Now get some rest or I’ll tell Uncle.” </p><p> </p><p>“What? Don’t tell Uncle! He doesn’t need the extra worry!”</p><p> </p><p>Classic. At this point, Sokka should be a Fire Nation royal family interpreter. He knew the quickest way to get every single one of them yelling like he personally did the worst thing imaginable. On second thought, nevermind. The less said about the time he talked about burnt tea in front of Uncle Iroh, the better.</p><p> </p><p>What could he say? Sokka was just that good. And luckily, it got Zuko to put down the papers and actually, you know, relax. It was hard to have a not serious conversation with him being all… Firelord-y, and vice versa.</p><p> </p><p>Zuko picked up the conversation from where Sokka gently put it on the floor, and proceeded to switch topics.</p><p> </p><p>“So, you broke into my office to ask something. I remember that much. What is it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Is negative honor a thing?” </p><p> </p><p>This was the moment Sokka was waiting for. It has been three days since the question first bothered him. Who knew, maybe Zuko had a Firelord decree written up declaring his evil father a disappointment and the first man to ever have negative honor.</p><p> </p><p>“No, Sokka.” Aww. </p><p> </p><p>“What about your evil dad?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sokka, I think that just makes him honorless.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know. Honorless just doesn’t quite cut it, you know? You need a little extra.” Sokka had experience in making phrases real. “Wait. We could make negative honor a thing!”</p><p> </p><p>“That doesn’t exist, Sokka.” He wasn’t going to give up on negative honor. It was counting on him. It pinned all its little hopes and dreams on him. He wasn’t going to be swayed by Zuko saying no twice. After all, he had the perfect counterpoint.</p><p> </p><p>“Well. Neither did swordbending until I invented it.”</p><p> </p><p>Technically, the art of the sword existed long before Sokka. This doesn’t mean he was wrong.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine then. He has negative honor.”</p><p> </p><p>2 - Sokka, 0 - Fancy rules around words. </p><p> </p><p>“Right. Goodbye Sokka, I’ll see you next meeting. I have things to do.”</p><p> </p><p>Sokka sighed. Zuko was too stubborn for his own good. Also, he started looking stressed again. That was bad. He didn’t do talking about things. </p><p> </p><p>But he knew someone who did.</p><p> </p><p>“Come on now, tell Mister Wang Fire all your troubles. I’m a therapist, you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“When did the brave and honorable Private Wang Fire, may Agni shine on his soul, come back from the dead and have the time to study therapy?”</p><p> </p><p>Wait. Zuko heard about that? Sokka’s brain was now embarrassed. This did not make him take the beard off. </p><p> </p><p>Yes he heard about it. Zuko was a head of State, and consequently, the head of the military or the “defense force”, as it was now. The guards thought he was dying when he received the casualty report. Needless to say, it made them nervous in two very different ways until he showed them the Private’s name, as well as the portrait side by side with one of Ambassador Sokka with a fake beard drawn on.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not important. That was Private Wang Fire, my identical twin brother. Anyway, tell Mister Wang Fire what ails you.”</p><p> </p><p>Something about this whole thing made Zuko sit down on his chair like it was a couch.</p><p> </p><p>“As you know, I’ve been looking for my mother. And–” He ran his fingers through his hair. “–I’ve scoured everything, I’ve asked the Fire Nation Intelligence Agency, and even they have nothing. I broke into Lake Laogai the last time we visited Ba Sing Se and checked the Dai Li records. Ozai was the last person to see her before she left. I know I shouldn’t talk to him… but I… I just need to. I need to know where she is.”</p><p> </p><p>Hold up, he broke into Lake Laogai? Again? <em>Not now Sokka,</em> Sokka told his brain to process the other thing. Namely that Zuko was planning on talking to his evil dad.</p><p> </p><p>“Zuko. Don’t talk to your evil dad. You know that he has zero self awareness, and he’d call you weak when he’s talking about himself. Don’t do that to yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>Yes. Sokka was practically begging now.</p><p> </p><p>Luckily it worked.</p><p> </p><p>Zuko gave Sokka a really tired smile. “Thanks, Sokka. I would’ve fucking… talked to him and listened to him taunt me about taking back his bending and the throne somehow if you weren’t around to stop me.”</p><p> </p><p>That worst case scenario sounded familiar.</p><p> </p><p>“Good thing you have me here. But I think Mai or Ty Lee could do in a pinch. Or your Uncle.”</p><p> </p><p>Wait.</p><p> </p><p>Zuko chuckled. “Alright Sokka, you’ve convinced me. I’m not going to go back to work. The servants would bully me anyway. I know you have something else planned today. Bye.” He practically shoved Sokka out the door. Rude.</p><p> </p><p>“Bye Zuko. Nice talk. I spent ages trying to figure out if negative honor’s a thing.”</p><p> </p><p>Oh. That’s why. The worst case scenario was exactly what Ozai would tell Zuko if he talked to his evil dad. Especially because of Sokka’s prank. Oh.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka ate lunch. When his tongue wasn’t burning from the too-spicy everything—seriously, even the water seemed spicy—he was thinking one thing over and over.</p><p> </p><p>Zuko can’t know. It would break him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I personally think of this chapter as introducing the B-plot. So that's fun.</p><p>Outline snippets for this chapter:</p><p>Zuko… zuko no where are you going<br/>Zuko why do you want to go off to talk to your evil dad<br/>Zuko plEaSE your evil dad won’t help you</p><p>Also, the conversation about negative honor was originally shorter, but then I had my fun with it.</p><p>“Is negative honor a thing?”</p><p>“No Sokka.”</p><p>“Not even your evil dad?”</p><p>“Fine then. He has negative honor.”</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. At The Castle with The Boys</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What it says on the tin.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iroh was having a pleasant time on his boat to Shu Jing. Right after finalizing The Plan with Sokka, he immediately wrote the fellow senior members of the White Lotus.</p><p> </p><p>That had been a week ago.</p><p> </p><p>Something that had also been a week ago was Sokka’s announcement when he dropped by right before work. Iroh was inclined to agree. His nephew shouldn’t have to deal with Ozai more than he needed to, the need was non-existent, and he would like to keep it that way.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka seemed panicked at what he viewed as a massive complication in their plan. Ah, to be a high-strung teenager. Iroh just had to change the location of the upcoming White Lotus meeting and a few plans. It wasn’t too much.</p><p> </p><p>...Of course it <em>wasn’t</em> too much. It’s because it will be too much. Just ask Iroh’s host-to-be on double edged swords.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes the Universe loves Sokka a little too much. </p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, the appearance of infinite wisdom did not actually mean infinite wisdom, even with Iroh. This explained why he was calmly drinking a cup of tea upon arrival at Piandao’s castle.</p><p> </p><p>“Grand Lotus Iroh, it’s a pleasure to meet you again.”</p><p> </p><p>“I could say the same for you, Piandao. Your castle is looking tidy as always.”</p><p> </p><p>“What can I say? I have a very <em>efficient</em> butler.”</p><p> </p><p>Fat waved hi.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone obviously knew that Fat wasn’t the butler. No one pointed this out. </p><p> </p><p>The previous reason for this was rendered unnecessary due to Firelord Zuko’s first non-war related decree, which was a huge sigh of relief for both of them.</p><p> </p><p>Now the current reason was because neither of the two would crack, and the flirting became unbearable. (Yes, even worse than Iroh's lowest points. Bumi had a scoreboard and point system for fun.)</p><p> </p><p>Back to business for these three. Currently, Jeong Jeong was running late like the dramatic fucker he was. That eliminated one guess from who was knocking at the garden gate.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi backflipped into the room. Making all of Piandao’s paintings of his residence and surroundings inaccurate in the process. Iroh made a mental note to remind Bumi to maybe please rearrange everything back because doors, while being really good doors, did not work as mats. And that valleys were not hills.</p><p> </p><p>He then executed a perfect triple handstand flip onto their meeting table with the slight help of the floor. This table also doubled as a tea and pai sho table, because <em>who did you think the White Lotus were</em>. This coincidentally gave Bumi the win in the current game, by virtue of being the only one left on the board.</p><p> </p><p>If Iroh and Piandao were the pouting type, they would’ve. As it were, they weren’t. So Iroh made a sad face into his tea instead. And Piandao looked at his butler to make the slight feelings (of frustration at almost being able to take on the Dragon of the West and yet not being able to) go away.</p><p> </p><p>They did roll call, because they never waited for Jeong Jeong in any of their meetups. They all said their own names, except for when a member wasn’t there.</p><p> </p><p>“Iroh.”</p><p> </p><p>“Piandao.”</p><p> </p><p>“And Bumi!”</p><p> </p><p>“Pakku is apparently <em>whipped</em> by his ex, Kanna. She has him doing laundry and reconstruction in the South Pole,” read Piandao from Katara’s explanation as to why Pakku couldn’t come.</p><p> </p><p>“Didn’t he tell us he got back together with her?” Bumi was curious. Pakku was blunt. He wasn’t exactly the ‘lying liar who lies’ type. </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe this is what he meant by ‘her taking him back’. It was awfully cryptic of him.” </p><p> </p><p>Fat let them gossip. He had things to do besides listening to Piandao, as much as that was fun.</p><p> </p><p>“Hmph. Moving on—”</p><p> </p><p>The door slammed open. It almost broke a painting. No one looked over, because they all knew who it was. Piandao specifically didn’t look over because the painting didn’t fall. </p><p> </p><p>In another universe, the painting was the price for maximum dramatics, and Piandao gave a disappointed look in the door’s direction because <em>someone</em> couldn’t even pay him back for the damage due to smoking weed all the time. </p><p> </p><p>Piandao didn’t thank the spirits because he somehow didn’t know how close he’d come to his favorite Pai Sho painting being ruined forever. Hmph.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello, fools.” Jeong Jeong was met with three unimpressed looks.</p><p> </p><p>“Jeong Jeong.” They all said. In unison. It sounded like they’d rather go back to talking about Pakku’s love life, which they do.</p><p> </p><p>Too bad, Jeong Jeong was over here and overdramatic. He even squatted on his designated chair and leaned back. It fell backwards and he leaped from it, yes, like a <em>badgerfrog</em>, onto their table.</p><p> </p><p>It’s only fun when Bumi does it, Jeong Jeong.</p><p> </p><p>He got down.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought your dramatics were saved for the theater troupe,” asked Iroh without any hidden intentions. He wasn’t Pakku.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t act in the North Chung Ling theater troupe. They have me there to tell them they are all fools! Which they are. I don’t know how I got roped into assisting their foolishness!” </p><p> </p><p>Jeong Jeong was actually a techie and weed guy. He was sort of offended that they all assumed he acted. He wasn’t that dramatic, right?</p><p> </p><p>...The dramatics seem to be a Fire Nation thing, huh?</p><p> </p><p>“...Don’t tell Pakku that his suggestion helped.”</p><p> </p><p>“Pakku isn’t here. Your secret–” Iroh had the audacity to wink, horribly cliched, “–is safe within these walls.”</p><p> </p><p>Jeong Jeong grumped and let the matter rest. As he should. The meeting was about the prank they were going to play on Ozai, not random gossip.</p><p> </p><p>Well, old habits. This was half of what they did before the Avatar came along. At least now, they didn’t mutilate their Schedule or Plan by gossiping so much. It was light stabbing instead.</p><p> </p><p>In his office, Sokka felt like crying. Something integral to him had been insulted. He assumed it was probably sarcasm. He went back to neighboring Chief Amaruq’s request that his village’s portion of the shipment to the Southern Tribes be increased. </p><p> </p><p>Which, what? His dad was right there to request at! This wasn’t his job? He was Ambassador, and assistant Chief? He was there to make sure that the goods got to the Tribes. Dad dealt with distribution.</p><p> </p><p>He went back to other things. That weren’t written in neighbor Chief Amaruq’s loopy hand.</p><p> </p><p>By the way, it took the White Lotus ten minutes to get on track. It was horribly boring procrastination.</p><p> </p><p>“Iroh, old friend. Why so cryptic? Your letters are sealed properly. You don’t need to <em>tea</em>se us this much.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bumi, old friend, how would you like to visit the Palace? Young Sokka has a prank idea that involves you chaperoning Ozai as he goes on a wild goose chase to capture the Blue Spirit. We’ll need to discreetly break him out, of course.”</p><p> </p><p>“It sounds fun! I can one-up Toph Beifong in the number of prison breaks done. I like it.” Bumi then ate a piece of jennamite. </p><p> </p><p>“Iroh, this is a foolish waste of time! Not to mention the wisdom of seeking a possible Spirit. Have you lost your mind?”</p><p> </p><p>Jeong Jeong’s favorite word was ‘fool’. He adopted it right before he deserted, when he called himself a fool. It rolled around nicely.</p><p> </p><p>“It is not a Spirit my brother will be seeking. The famous vigilante was my nephew’s secret identity, and so Ozai will never be able to find him. Jeong Jeong, I know you think that I am a sentimental fool, and perhaps I am. But Ozai needs to go out and see what he has done to the world. If he has any shred of decency, it will make him see the error of his ways. And if not, then indulge an old man his fun.”</p><p> </p><p>“Iroh. You see the cornerstone and not the arch itself. How many resources are we diverting to this <em>prank</em>? We are too old for such things.” False. Jeong Jeong should know better. This was all selective memory in an attempt to forget all the nonsense that happened during their encampment.</p><p> </p><p>“I meant Bumi. Indulge Bumi his fun, as is his right as someone with a personal connection to Avatar Aang, and as someone who has seen the duration of the war. Now, I did not gather all of you to discuss whether this is right. I have come to request contributions from each of you.” </p><p> </p><p>“Piandao, your hand is elegant and you have a mastery of perfect control of the stroke. I would like you to be ‘Firelord Zuko’ in our prank. As well as the Fire Nation Intelligence Agency. You are to deliver the missives that are supposedly ‘hints’ on the Blue Spirit’s location. You need not worry, I have all the resources necessary to assist.”</p><p> </p><p>“Grand Lotus Iroh, it would be my pleasure. We’ll need a forgery of the Royal Seal that’s enough to convince Ozai, as well as an assurance from you that your nephew won’t banish me once he finds out.”</p><p> </p><p>(An aside: Sokka could carve out a woodblock print seal and that would be enough to convince Ozai, and Piandao clearly has the brain cell at the moment because he’s already preparing for the other shoe to drop. Too bad he didn’t bet on it.)</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, dear friend.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jeong Jeong, I would like to request your skills as props master, as well as a satirical production of Ozai’s adventure courtesy of your lovely troupe once this is all over.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hmph. The North Chung Ling theater troupe would be more than happy to oblige, indulging the request of the famed Dragon of the West. As for your first request, a fish does not accept a task that takes it to the Air temples.”                              </p><p> </p><p>“My nephew made a decoy Blue Spirit once. That should suffice in leaving a trail for Ozai to follow.”</p><p> </p><p>“Iroh, you are still being foolish. ...The bamboo stalk bows to the wind.” That was a yes. It was a very <em>Jeong Jeong</em> yes.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh tried to figure out if there was anything for Pakku to do. He then figured it wasn’t worth it to try and pry him from much needed restoration in the Southern Water Tribe. The other members’ involvement worked because they were, more or less, pretty idle. </p><p> </p><p>Also if he tried, Kanna would cut off his seaprune tea shipments. There was also that.</p><p> </p><p>And so, the dream team was assembled.</p><p> </p><p>And with that, the meeting was concluded. Bumi did a handstand squat out of the room into the garden. Through the window.</p><p> </p><p>You could say he… yeeted out.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>North Chung Ling is actually Fire Fountain city in the show, I just checked Avatar Wiki.</p><p>I got the idea of there being more than one village in the Southern Water Tribe from Salvage or fanon. Either way, I just really don't want Sokka and Katara's village to be the entire Tribe because it looks like there'd be eventual incest due to the lack of people. Also because that's just sad. Unimportant Amaruq is my OC, because I needed a neighboring Chief. His name apparently means gray wolf. I don't know... if you know better you can correct me, and please do.</p><p>Got Piandao being gay from fanon. He's definitely a distinguished gay to me.</p><p>Jeong Jeong's nonsense is all just... me, although they are inspired by various actual phrases.</p><p>The cornerstone was because off the top of my head "The stone the builders rejected is the cornerstone" or something like that was in the Bible (awfully Western, I know). Jeong Jeong's canonical saying was about a fish swimming, so the second thing riffs off of that. And the third one about bamboo is just... yeah bamboo is flexible and it bends, okay. It's a very reluctant yes. Also, Jeong Jeong is implying that he's flexible, wow okay weird flex.</p><p>That's it for my rambling.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Breaking Out Is Fun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What the title says. Bumi is chaos incarnate, as usual. Sokka needs to relax and breathe.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have no clue how I cranked this out so fast. I think it's because I had a snippet written in advance.</p><p>Sorry for it being kinda short, especially compared to the last two chapters.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was Plan Time. </p><p> </p><p>The excuse was sold and promptly bought without inspection, because of course, <em>it was Uncle Iroh</em>. All they had to do now was to wait for Zuko to go to sleep, or go work in his room. Option two was more likely.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, the waiting game was boring, so Sokka double-checked everything.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh? Over there, being as not-suspicious as possible, drinking tea as always.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai? Still a dick, still complaining, doesn’t suspect a thing.</p><p> </p><p>Zuko? Doesn’t know anything. Still in the Pai Sho room, somehow smiling more as the game goes on, and he’s losing horribly.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi? Also over there, occasionally using jennamite instead of actual Pai Sho tiles, to Zuko’s frustration. All set for extraction, and knows everything about The Plan.</p><p> </p><p>His Schedule? Intact and un-insulted by the White Lotus Timezone. Also, today was the start of his weekend. He had a nice weekend.</p><p> </p><p>The escape boat? Iroh bought the lovely merchant vessel four days ago, and he handpicked the crew two days ago. They might be White Lotus people, they might not be, it doesn’t matter.</p><p> </p><p>Flopsie? <em>Why was Flopsie there</em>, but okay. Bumi apparently took care of feeding and everything else, and supplies were loaded on the ship.</p><p> </p><p>Well, that was the double-checking done. Sokka went back to staring at Zuko and Bumi’s Pai Sho game. They were somehow setting up another one already. Bumi put one piece on its side, somehow.</p><p> </p><p>It was now spinning like a top. They have now given up on Pai Sho and started Spinning Tile Duels.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka wanted to join.</p><p> </p><p>So he did.</p><p> </p><p>This is the scene that Iroh walked into.</p><p> </p><p>Luckily, he wasn’t carrying a cup of tea. Otherwise, he would’ve either dropped it or spat in it, and he really wasn’t enthusiastic about adding to his shame counter today.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh settled for gaping and looking disappointed at Bumi.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi, being Bumi and not giving one single fuck, didn’t give one single fuck. He was winning, but Sokka with his 90 degree angles was quickly catching up to his score despite being newer to the game.</p><p> </p><p>Zuko flicked. The tile fell flat on its metaphorical face. It was bound to. It was like a coin. Coins had two sides. This was an accurate description of his current standing in Spinning Tile Duel.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh sat there, waiting.</p><p> </p><p>In the end, Flopsie won the match with 209 points. Without spinning a single tile. Somehow.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka was befuddled, as was everyone who wasn’t Bumi and Flopsie.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, Zuko had to leave. He had work to do. It was terribly boring, but he had to Firelord every day. So. </p><p> </p><p>At some point they had dinner. It was nice. All the servants were confused at Flopsie, who at some point, occupied Firelord Zuko’s chair and he let him.</p><p> </p><p>Some food was moments away from being thrown, the usual fun.</p><p> </p><p>And now, Zuko went back to his room to do more work.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka went back to the guest room he hung out in when fucking around in the Palace, and trusted everything would turn out well.</p><p> </p><p>He’ll be right. Eventually. If you asked the Universe, which no one did. Most observers would say that tonight was… a partial success, and an event that revealed another problem with Zuko’s Zuko-ness that may interfere with the plan.</p><p> </p><p>In the dungeon-esque prison, Bumi slid in on Flopsie, making an impression the way crack dealers did in Ba Sing Se’s Underground. </p><p> </p><p>...Through the ceiling. Sort of.</p><p> </p><p>“The Water Tribe peasant said two weeks! You’re late, Mad King.” Shut up, Ozai. Only Sokka has ‘Precise Schedule and Timing’ rights. Also, at least Bumi had a cool nickname, <em>Loser Lord tryhard who tried calling himself <em>Phoenix King</em> of all things</em>.</p><p> </p><p>...There’s a reason Sokka and Toph are the Nickname People.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi said, “Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>And then he slapped rock cuffs on Ozai’s wrists, alerted the guard that there weren’t any problems because of their secret missive from the Fire Nation Intelligence Agency, definitely signed by Firelord Zuko himself yesterday, and got out.</p><p> </p><p>They got on the ship. Iroh forgot to tell Bumi what its name was. Iroh has now lost naming rights and Bumi will now rename it. </p><p> </p><p>Tomorrow.</p><p> </p><p>He wanted only the best name for it.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, Sokka was about to have a problem. Both in the short term, and in the medium term.</p><p> </p><p>Because <em>someone</em> stopped working. And the Caldera definitely <em>noticed</em>.</p><p> </p><p>The figure, man, <em>what did it matter</em>, danced with the shadows and flitted from rooftop to rooftop, not unlike a hummingbird. And perhaps there was a carved smile and quick blade trailing in his wake. Perhaps. </p><p> </p><p>Perhaps that wasn’t important. What was important was the fact that former Firelord Ozai will hear the two-week too late rumors of the Blue Spirit parkouring in the heart of the Caldera as he slips away in the night towards the world. </p><p> </p><p>Strictly speaking, the rumors were untrue. You couldn’t blame the populace. Why would they bother to check for a theater mask in the dead of night? </p><p> </p><p>No. It wasn’t the Blue Spirit. But there was.</p><p> </p><p>There was a very, very stressed head of state, sending his guards in a panic at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>Oh. Right. Sokka had to plan for Zuko randomly disappearing too. Because he might be trying to visit his evil dad when he vanishes.</p><p> </p><p>That was for future Sokka. Present Sokka was panicking because where the fuck is the Firelord and how did none of you notice he was gone? </p><p> </p><p>And no, <em>he just does that sometimes and we know he’s safe</em>, is not a helpful answer.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka doesn’t have time for this. Sokka literally didn’t have time for this. He wasn’t mentally prepared to panic tonight, because it was another one of his plans failing somehow.</p><p> </p><p>One guard awkwardly made a move to pat Sokka’s shoulder. Sokka shrugged and went back to his guest room.</p><p> </p><p>And then Zuko randomly broke into his room from the fucking window. </p><p> </p><p>That bitch.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Prologue Ends.</p><p>(Also, please send me name suggestions for the ship. Either in the comments or on my tumblr. Otherwise this ship is going to be named 'Ship' and I don't think any of us want that. Thanks in advance you guys! Kudos + comments give me life.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Everything is Too Slow in Ozai Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Not much happens. Everyone still hates Ozai. You know how it is.</p><p>Oh. And Bumi exercises his naming rights.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to everyone for the name suggestions!</p><p>I came up with this one by myself, but you guys definitely pushed me towards it.</p><p>I'm sorry for taking so long without this chapter being too long. The next chapter's going to involve a little more fun. I swear. </p><p>Pls.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bumi woke up to a nice day, and a grumpy Ozai who was still handcuffed to him and half asleep.</p><p> </p><p>Said grumpy Ozai became even more intolerable when he realized that he woke past sunrise. Again. It reminded him of all that he lost, and all that he wished to gain back, and all that nonsense.</p><p> </p><p>Well, Bumi had to use the bathroom and meet Mr. Throne away from home, so he chained Ozai to the bedpost. It worked out well. That’s because Ozai is a wimpy fucker who can’t break out of rock cuffs. </p><p> </p><p>Lucky Bumi.</p><p> </p><p>Actually, not “Lucky Bumi”. That didn’t give him enough credit. He knew that Ozai’s wimpy, and that’s why he didn’t restrain Ozai further.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, Bumi’s bathroom time will not be described, ever. Needless to say, it luckily didn’t involve Bumi giving himself a swirlie. This time.</p><p> </p><p>And now Ozai had to use the bathroom.</p><p> </p><p>Moving on.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi had to rename their ship. Right.</p><p> </p><p>He needed something <em>fun</em>. As well as something on brand.</p><p> </p><p>Boaty McBoatface was right out. Some rich merchant named Li Ling named his <em>yacht</em> that, and now it was becoming something of a trend among pleasure yachts and the like. “Boaty McBoatface” was now a yacht name. Bumi was too tasteful to name a ship with a <em>yacht</em> name.</p><p> </p><p>Hm.</p><p> </p><p>Flopsie Junior? ...No, that didn’t sound like a ship name.</p><p> </p><p>Something philosophical or pai sho related? Or a tea pun? Also out. Bumi may be a member of the White Lotus, but he was going to leave that kind of behavior to Iroh. And Iroh lost naming rights. Bumi was going to avoid any names that sounded very <em>Iroh</em>, good they may be.</p><p> </p><p>Momo? </p><p> </p><p>No. Aang deserves to be the only owner of a Momo.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai’s Beard is Lame?</p><p> </p><p>Okay. He wasn’t twelve anymore. He could come up with something better.</p><p> </p><p>Dishonor? </p><p> </p><p>Too gloomy and emo. Or something. Bumi didn’t want “or something” to be what someone first thought of when they saw his ship.</p><p> </p><p>But before Bumi could figure out the perfect name, they had to disembark. First stop on the ‘Fuck with Ozai’ super happy fun joyride. Whee!</p><p> </p><p>Ozai’s chin was bobbing almost violently as Bumi sprung down the ship and disembarked.</p><p> </p><p>Ah. He’d have to figure out how to haul Ozai without compromising his fun entrances eventually. For now, he had to prevent an unfortunate head injury.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi made a note to himself. Ozai was less likely to get hurt if his head hit Flopsie instead of floor.</p><p> </p><p>But that was for next time, and next time wasn’t right now.</p><p> </p><p>Right now was Bumi touring Fire Lily Town which for some reason, didn’t have a lot of Fire Lilies around. </p><p> </p><p>Oh, and Ozai was there too. Handcuffed and all. Except Bumi got bored being handcuffed to Ozai, so now Ozai was now handcuffed to Flopsie’s collar and being drug, almost by the scruff of his neck. </p><p> </p><p>He was about as feral as Miyuki at the moment, minus any positive qualities and the self-confidence to be shameless about it.</p><p> </p><p>In her cozy cat palace, Miyuki sneezed. And then promptly yowled in extreme disappointment.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, Ozai was boring. And the town was boring, since its main purpose on their route was to be a place to establish their disguise, be inconspicuous, and to give Flopsie a fun time on land before they had to start picking up the pace.</p><p> </p><p>So Bumi was making an adventure out of dancing with random people. Or almost bumping into them then moving either himself or them away at the last moment with his earthbending. Sometimes he followed people with funny hats. They were only a 5/10 at their funniest, but compared to hatless people, it was definitely superior.</p><p> </p><p>It would eventually be a dance called Keep Away, performed by flash mobs to commemorate the legendary King Bumi I, but that wasn’t important. What’s important is how funny it is that a culturally significant dance is based on one bored guy fucking around in a, no offense, relatively boring town.</p><p> </p><p>Ooh, that probably hurt. Aim a little too high and a guy crashlands on a roof. And people said firebending was the only one that needed strict control. Bumi apologized. He wasn’t a dick, after all. And roof wasn’t fun. It wasn’t Roof, The Game.</p><p> </p><p>Well, he kept at it for thirty minutes until a crew member reminded him to switch from White Lotus Time to regular Fire Nation. Oh right. They had to establish their front now. Because they owned a merchant ship.</p><p> </p><p>They set up a stall for flowers. Among all of their random goods, those had to go first, or they’d wilt. Well technically, the crew did and not Bumi. Bumi was sort of the ranking officer, so there was the double duty of respecting thy elders, whippersnappers who are nowhere near a hundred and twelve, and respecting the King of Omashu because. King. Of Omashu.</p><p> </p><p>So there it was, with Ozai-Flopsie as an attention grabber, hopefully. And now they waited for someone to buy their goods.</p><p> </p><p>And waited.</p><p> </p><p>And waited.</p><p> </p><p>You get the point, they waited, but since Ozai was an impatient and dramatic fuck they were only there for ten minutes, not forever.</p><p> </p><p>And now there was a customer.</p><p> </p><p>Mei Zhun had just actually received her birthday money for the first time in her life. And she was planning on spending it on the dumbest thing possible.</p><p> </p><p>Her family owned a florists’. </p><p> </p><p>Perfect.</p><p> </p><p>Her payment will go into the care and feeding of Flopsie sometime in the near future. Thanks, Mei Zhun.</p><p> </p><p>And now they waited again. Because one arrangement of flowers does not selling out make.</p><p> </p><p>Shut the fuck up, Ozai. That was the general sentiment everyone had while waiting around. But seriously if he was any louder they might actually be lynched.</p><p> </p><p>Which.</p><p> </p><p>Bad. </p><p> </p><p>In a world slightly to the left, Firelord Zuko hears of a mob lynching in a small town and gives and takes concern in kind. Because they didn’t have to do that, and it was about as terrifying as the hypothetical of Azula protecting him.</p><p> </p><p>Something shudders. This wasn’t. This wasn’t meant to happen. What the fuck, Iroh?<br/>
<em>What did you </em></p><p>
  <em>d</em>
</p><p>
  <em>o</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Right. Okay. Things have jilted into place.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai shut the fuck up. Thanks, Helmsman Hiroto. A little shove and a quick word was all that was needed.</p><p> </p><p>And also a flaming finger gun. That too.</p><p> </p><p>The shove also kind of… jangled Flopsie. So he ran around. With Ozai still cuffed.</p><p> </p><p>The ruckus broke someone’s flowerpots in their shop. Bumi knew that profiteering was bad, but also he was hungry. So.</p><p> </p><p>And besides, they didn’t even sell for that high.</p><p> </p><p>So that was that. Goods sold, cover established, raving lunatic shut up because seriously, the super secret mission was supposed to be <em>super secret</em>, and asking about any Blue Spirit activity out in the open while handcuffed to a goat gorilla was bound to make an impression.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai, for fuck’s sake this was a rest stop. To get you used to Bumi.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai. Ozai shut the fuck up. The crew were dismayed to find out that being jiggled around on Flopsie made him louder, and not quieter as they hoped.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, he was complaining melodramatically for two hours about not being allowed to order the crew to scout out the Blue Spirit. His threats weren’t imaginative. They were all just about being the Phoenix King and having been the Firelord.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi, being Bumi, was used to the royal family’s dramatics. Especially since the incident of the moldy tea prank. So, he used this boarding/Ozai-was-over-there-complaining time to figure out a name for their ship. Since thinking time was interrupted.</p><p> </p><p>Hm.</p><p> </p><p>This was a merchant ship. He needed a name with ship vibes.</p><p> </p><p>There was one convenient pun for that.</p><p> </p><p>Shipping.</p><p> </p><p>...The crew would internally groan next morning at finding out. And then externally at Ozai’s horrible revisions. </p><p> </p><p>The Shipping’s arrival and shenanigans were the most interesting thing that happened in Fire Lily Town for a while.</p><p> </p><p>But did you know?</p><p> </p><p>Mei Zhun’s mother was about to get a shipment of jade orchids straight from Hira’a from an old friend. They hadn’t caught up in a while, but now that the war was over, it seemed like the perfect time.</p><p> </p><p>Gossip matters much, much more than they thought.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter is officially the start of Book One: In the Fire.</p><p>...Don't crucify me if you don't like the ship name.</p><p>Anyway, Shipping. As in. A ship. And... shipping... goods. Also I am way too proud of myself for that name pun.</p><p>Ooh. Cultural notes. Right.</p><p>Angpao is the lucky red envelope. It's a really common Chinese custom that's usually given on special occasions. In my family specifically, it's given to just about anyone when the giver would just prefer to give money rather than anything else (sample reasons: lack of familiarity, lack of time to pick a present, etc.). Of course, there's more nuances to it, and I'm sure who specifically you can give it to varies, but anyway children do frequently receive the red envelope. Another thing that usually happens to the red envelope when given to children is the envelope being kept by the parents for safekeeping. (Again, speaking from personal experience. It may vary.) So Mei Zhun here is a teenager experiencing financial freedom with her angpao a few days ago. Good for her.</p><p>Mei Zhun's name is made of the Chinese characters for beautiful and approve/permit. It is indeed beautiful that she was finally allowed financial freedom with her angpao. ...My intentions were a stupid pun. Say the name aloud if you don't get it. </p><p>Hiroto's name here means "to command/esteem" combined with "person" in Japanese. (At least I think so. I'm using a website here, so I'm not too sure on hiro. 'To' definitely means person, I know that much.) So... commander. Fitting for the first OC (and 3rd person in this story, after Sokka and Bumi) to push Ozai around.</p><p>Fire Lily Town not having a lot of Fire Lilies was just fun irony. Also said town does not exist in ATLA world canon. I made it up. Anyway, it's an antiquated name. Inspired by the fact that where I live is named after a plant or something (not gonna say what, or else you... might know where I live) that isn't here anymore. At all. Nada. (Not extinct, just... not there. Because urban.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Shipping Shenanigans</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which the crew hates Ozai's guts, and someone please control the betting pool because how many bets have even been made now.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Not a 1k chapter. Surprising, I know.</p><p>Enjoy this thing.</p><p>Rambling in the end notes, you know the drill. You can talk to me on tumblr, so yeah that too.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the asscrack of dawn, and Crewman San San had one thought that carried over from the previous night.</p><p> </p><p>“The Shipping? The SHIPPING? That’s what our ship is called!?” </p><p> </p><p>“No, I think it was actually Boaty McBoatface,” answered Crewman Riku. As the only other firebender (and subsequently morning person) in the crew’s quarters besides Helmsman Hiroto (who was over there practicing his flaming disc juggling in intense concentration), so he was the only one who was able to answer her.</p><p> </p><p>“A yacht name? I don’t have any hope in this damn ship if the Captain, or the Firelord, or Iroh, or whoever, couldn’t come up with anything better than a <em>yacht—</em>” She cut herself off as she saw that Crewman Riku was snickering. Oh. He was joking. “But it’s really ‘The Shipping’,” she said flatly.</p><p> </p><p>“Yep. A plus pun, if you ask me. I can’t possibly rate it a… <em>sea</em>.” </p><p> </p><p>“You and your puns…”</p><p> </p><p>And then they fell silent, because the asscrack of dawn was over. The novelty of being the only ones awake in there wore off, and now the day shift was waking up and grunting and everything. It was breakfast time. Or technically dinner for the night shift. But that wasn’t important.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi liked to think of himself as a pretty down-to-earth (huh) guy, or at least someone who was doing his best on it. So this morning, he had breakfast in the mess, with everyone else.</p><p> </p><p>And Ozai was dragged there too. Because that was fun. He was just Regular Citizen Ozai now. Ignoring all the bluster and general horribleness, he was indistinguishable from all the people named Ozai after him.</p><p> </p><p>So there was a sulking forty-something, leg chained to the mess hall’s table.</p><p> </p><p>The crew sat away from him. You couldn’t blame them. Gossip and slander weren’t fun when the person could hear you.</p><p> </p><p>“Ozai,” Bumi called out.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” He snapped.</p><p> </p><p>“You have to get your food from the Cook,” Bumi said as Captain Wu delivered his serving with a brief salute. He took a bite. “Who makes some nice roast duck, by the way. Iroh was right.”</p><p> </p><p>Ozai stood up and tried to go over. And promptly fell. Because he was cuffed to the table.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi looked. “Oh.” He detached the rock cuff from the table with his face. Because he can.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai, tomato-faced, shuffled towards Cook Satomi.</p><p> </p><p>“I demand you give me the finest servings, woman!”</p><p> </p><p>Cook Satomi was not pleased. She pointed at a tray and told him to get his own damn food, because Ozai wasn’t royalty anymore.</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t take this well.</p><p> </p><p>“How dare you disrespect Phoenix King Ozai! You will be the first to be imprisoned once I regain my former status.” Ozai, the third person only works for the Boulder.</p><p> </p><p>Satomi, unlike Ozai, had self respect and dignity. And so she responded by plopping a deliberately overcooked fish, and some rice on his tray. He forfeited his right to good fish the second he opened his mouth and didn’t display manners. </p><p> </p><p>Ozai stared at his blackened fish. He was livid. He would’ve yelled at her, but Bumi was dragging his cuff back to the table, making him have to hurry back to his sad and lonely seat before he got yoinked unceremoniously and spilled his food.</p><p> </p><p>So, there he was, eating a burnt fish with rice. Muttering.</p><p> </p><p>That was boring.</p><p> </p><p>The small betting pool run by Crewman Riku, on the other hand, was not.</p><p> </p><p>“Five gold says he says <em>Phoenix King</em> again later today.”</p><p> </p><p>“Crewman San San, are you volunteering to go spy on him and hear everything he fucking says?”</p><p> </p><p>“And if I am, Keiko? If I fucking am?”</p><p> </p><p>Crewman Keiko was done with her <strike>friends</strike> acquaintances' antics. She ended up betting three silver on Ozai being a bitch to Cook Satomi again at lunch and dinner.</p><p> </p><p>[<em>In the before of a year ago and over a couple shots of spirits, Helmsman Kyo somberly pronounced that it was unfair there were no words to properly capture Ozai’s Ozai-ness. Engineer Hanako suggested ‘bitch’.</em>]</p><p> </p><p>“Not to interrupt this conversation, crew, but we shouldn’t be calling Ozai a bitch,” interjected Captain Wu.</p><p> </p><p>At the crew’s response of subtly (or not-so-subtly, but the person in question didn’t notice anyway) pointing at Ozai, he continued. “That’s an insult to female dogs.”</p><p> </p><p>“But sir–” Crewman Riku started.</p><p> </p><p>And that was the start of something glorious. The debate over Ozai being a bitch has now touched the crews of two ships that were almost too small for their own good.</p><p> </p><p>“What I’m saying before all you fuckin’ louts talk over me, is that it’s insulting to bitches. I’ve met a couple and they’re bad, but they’re not <em>Ozai</em> level,” Crewman Keiko channeled her constant hardass, unintentionally mirroring Engineer Hanako’s tone from the Wani’s debate with half the self-assurance and volume.</p><p> </p><p>No one, in fact, talked over Crewman Keiko. Because that was her whole piece, and it wasn’t possible to talk over someone who wasn’t talking.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey. Here’s an idea, everyone. We see how much Ozai bitches <em>and then</em> we settle the debate,” Assistant Healer Shufen was not an argumentative soul, and she was worried this would affect the cohesion of the crew. Also, they weren’t even bothering to keep their voices down, and Ozai almost choked at her statement. </p><p> </p><p>People can have two reasons. </p><p> </p><p>Anyway, breakfast was just about over.</p><p> </p><p>Time to get sailing. It was harder when the ship had actual sails, even with the reduced size from what he was used to. Captain Wu just gritted his teeth for a moment and fixed shifting.</p><p> </p><p>Because with a reduced size came a reduced crew.</p><p> </p><p>There were fifteen of them. Counting Bumi, Flopsie, and the cargo half the crew insisted was a bitch despite being wrong, there were seventeen people aboard. Plus the load.</p><p> </p><p>Despite this, he was determined to keep running a tight ship. And that meant supervising.</p><p> </p><p>Crewman Riku was tied up in the rigging. His leg was dangling, hair loose, and his back was arched. Overall, it was probably uncomfortable, and an inconvenience on a ship. That functioned. Properly.</p><p> </p><p>(Captain Wu wished the ship functioned properly.)</p><p> </p><p>“You’re reassigned to latrine duty at sixteen hundred, Crewman Riku. And get out of the rigging.”</p><p> </p><p>“Captain. I don’t make a habit of tying myself up. Blame San over there for daring me to do it.”</p><p> </p><p>No.</p><p> </p><p>“Crewman Riku, this is a delay in our journey. Do you want to spend another day with Ozai than needed?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, Captain Wu.”</p><p> </p><p>“Just… don’t do it again, kid. Fuck around <em>without</em> affecting productivity. Go gossip, instead of whatever you wanted to accomplish with that.”</p><p> </p><p>Crewman Riku wanted to object that he was not a kid, but also he had to get out of the rigging.</p><p> </p><p>Crewman San San then took the opportunity to actually confront the Captain about the ship’s name. It was still niggling at her from that morning.</p><p> </p><p>“Our ship. This ship. Is called The Shipping. Did you know this, Captain? Did you fucking know?” </p><p> </p><p>By now, she was tiptoeing and aggressively poking Captain Wu’s chest. He didn’t know what to do about this.</p><p> </p><p>“King Bumi told me last night in confidence. He wanted to know if the pun was good. I think that was the main thing he cared about, Crewman San… San.”</p><p> </p><p>Was it a nickname if he shortened it to Crewman San? Using her full name just felt redundant. He stuck to propriety anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Little did the Captain know that propriety won’t matter any by next week. Not even to him. But in all fairness, he can’t see the future.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” she replied. “I wonder what the original name would’ve been. Is Grand Lotus Iroh also another punster?” She rolled off the title off her tongue all casual. Like Grand Lotus Iroh was just that guy in the corner store, as opposed to regular casual. </p><p> </p><p>“He named his tea shop ‘The Jasmine Dragon’, San. I’ve invited you over twice, but you were busy,” Crewman Riku confirmed.</p><p> </p><p>“I think he named this vessel a variant of ‘Tea Boat’ before it was changed,” Captain said.</p><p> </p><p>And that was that. They went back to work.</p><p> </p><p>For Bumi, the dichotomy between business and pleasure was non-existent, which is something many people don’t understand. There was always something important in being happy, and there was always joy to be found even in the most dull and unrewarding work. They didn’t laugh when he had fun over policy decisions, the boring wet flakes.</p><p> </p><p>The business? Getting to know his crew.</p><p> </p><p>So he paired it with something fun, and apparently something that Iroh had tried and tested to be effective.</p><p> </p><p>Hustling at Pai Sho.</p><p> </p><p>And then he moved his air tile which went whoosh. This concluded his latest match. It was against Cook Satomi, who walked away and muttered something about needing to cook lunch soon, anyway. That was true.</p><p> </p><p>And people can have two reasons.</p><p> </p><p>But she was the last around who went for another go. <em>For some reason</em>, even when he handed the crew back their bets, none of them went against him.</p><p> </p><p>(And the only other option for Pai Sho was <em>Ozai</em>.)</p><p> </p><p>Hmm. Bumi just needed to think out of the box.</p><p> </p><p>How did he get Zuko’s enthusiasm back while playing with him?</p><p> </p><p>He picked up one tile with each hand, jumped on the Pai Sho table, and asked, “Who wants to play Spinning Tile Duel with me?”</p><p> </p><p>Crewman San was among the people who Bumi first explained the Spinning Tile Duel revised rules to. Like literally all of them, she understood nothing.</p><p> </p><p>She picked up the red lotus tile and went for it anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Two minutes later, she had a stack of Bumi’s discarded tiles and called Flopsie.</p><p> </p><p>The crew cheered. She won the first match. There was a lightness and hope to the room that wasn’t there during the Pai Sho rounds.</p><p> </p><p>And then Bumi schooled the rest of them anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Hm. So only one of them was adventurous enough to admit they knew jack shit about the rules and went with their own judgement.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi was going to fix that as soon as possible.</p><p> </p><p>After… the feast!</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, crew. Line up for lunch,” Cook Satomi announced.</p><p> </p><p>This time, Bumi got up to ask her if she wanted to play Spinning Tile Duel later, since she wasn’t able to the first time.</p><p> </p><p>...She told him not today, but he could ask her again tomorrow. He’ll just have to see.</p><p> </p><p>That was fun. The uncertainty was interesting.</p><p> </p><p>And so, Ozai, bitch extraordinaire, trudged for the second time that day to lunch. You would’ve thought that it was gruel they were serving and not actual food by the way his steps weighed.</p><p> </p><p>[<em>“I’m not… too fucking sure ‘cause I’m not a… a dicto–dikshonary, but there’s a fuck ton of more shf… fitting words. What if we put bitch together with something else? Bitchfuckface?” Drunk Teruko was terrifying because of how not-terrifying she was.</em>]</p><p> </p><p>He was all… boring and melodramatic.</p><p> </p><p>Let’s ignore him.</p><p> </p><p>Instead, turn your eyes to the crew, once again. </p><p> </p><p>Captain Wu was complaining about his brief shift at <em>Ozai-watch</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“He kept asking me, ‘Are we there yet’, and he kept telling me to swear allegiance to him. Sounded like a spoiled five year old to me.”</p><p> </p><p>This was an incendiary topic that invited all the complaints. Because the entire crew had mandatory shifts at <em>Ozai-watch</em>.</p><p> </p><p>With a few exceptions. Who were immediately dogpiled on.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, San,” Crewman Riku said right after cussing out Healer Newbie for being one of those exceptions. “Guess you can find out if he does repeat <em>Phoenix King</em> later.”</p><p> </p><p>(Ozai will.)</p><p> </p><p>“Mm,” she replied.  “I fucking hate our cargo.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, but is that a better word than bitch,” Crewman Riku fired back.</p><p> </p><p>[<em>“But it sounds better to be bitching about a bitch!”</em></p><p>
  
</p><p><em>“Please stop the terrible wordplay.”</em>]</p><p> </p><p>“Everyone, I think we can all agree that Ozai is terrible. We can figure this out later, when we all have full stomachs and free time,” Assistant Healer Shufen was really trying. She was trying here, please accept her efforts.</p><p> </p><p>They did.</p><p> </p><p>And that marked the start of lunchtime civilities.</p><p> </p><p>Also Bumi started a one sided food fight versus Ozai over there, so it was already partially broken. </p><p> </p><p>This was an over-accurate metaphor for the state of the ship.</p><p> </p><p>And then lunch was over, of course, and it was Crewman Keiko’s turn at <em>Ozai-watch</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Two. Full. Hours. Of this one man constantly talking down to her.</p><p> </p><p>She was not having a fun time.</p><p> </p><p>“One more word out of you, and I’ll put you with the Shipping’s cargo.”</p><p> </p><p>And Ozai just. Wouldn’t. Shut up.</p><p> </p><p>“That name is unbecoming of this ship. I command it to be renamed as either Dragon Phoenix, Blazing Glory, or Flamebringer. The Phoenix King extends the gracious kindness of allowing the peasants’ choice.”</p><p> </p><p>Ozai. <em>Shut up</em>. Crewman Keiko would’ve hissed if she didn’t care about engaging the annoying cargo.</p><p> </p><p>But that would’ve actually made things worse. Crewman Keiko knew that much. She had siblings.</p><p> </p><p>And she refused to talk to anyone who thought <em>those</em> names were anything but a joke. A joke set on fire then thrown in the ocean.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, the ridiculous pun of their ship’s name was much more reasonable.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai wouldn’t shut up. “You dare ignore the PHOENIX KING?”</p><p> </p><p>Well. She’d tell Crewman San San that her bet was won. It was at the cost of her ears, but that bet was won.</p><p> </p><p>Crewman Keiko sighed internally and set her mind to ignoring Ozai for the rest of her shift. No matter what it took.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, King Bumi was checking inventory with Captain Wu. He was definitely the more tolerable of the two “guests of honor” they were supposed to ferry around.</p><p> </p><p>This was interrupted by a quick hawk sent from the Caldera. Which made sense, since King Bumi and Iroh were friends. And that was that. </p><p> </p><p>King Bumi cartwheeled away to go write back.</p><p> </p><p>Captain Wu was left staring at their thirty tea crates. Well that was a lot of goods.</p><p> </p><p>If he closed his eyes, they wouldn’t disappear. </p><p> </p><p>And that was how Lieutenant Li Cheng found him. Relaxing and determinedly not looking at the tea crates for some reason.</p><p> </p><p>...Okay. Well, sir, it was time for dinner.</p><p> </p><p>Dinner was a… more subdued affair than breakfast, Lieutenant Li Cheng thought. Huh. Maybe the day shift got used to being on this spirits forsaken hell-ship while he and the rest were taking a nap.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai was over there screaming. Like a little bitch.</p><p> </p><p>[<em>“But you can’t do that to dogs. What about the poor dogs,” Helmsman Kyo said while weeping.</em>]</p><p> </p><p>Cheng was already tired, and he just woke a few hours ago.</p><p> </p><p>And the crew was over there gossiping about <em>Ozai-watch</em>. Oh. He had to deal with <em>Ozai-watch</em> too, because Captain Wu said that the officers shouldn’t be above doing grunt work. </p><p> </p><p>So, fuck. And what was his promotion worth, now? </p><p> </p><p>Nothing, he thought. No amount of promotions were worth <em>Ozai-watch</em>. He shouldn’t have taken General, or he supposed, <em>Prince</em> Iroh’s offer. He should’ve stayed a humble navy man who got told to sharpen the spears, or do the laundry, or clean the latrines.</p><p> </p><p>But no, he just wanted to be first mate so bad that he ended up there.</p><p> </p><p>Cheng consoled himself, because at least when he supervised, there wasn’t a pedantic teenager breathing down his neck at all times. That was what his best buddy Yun had to deal with for a few months, and apparently it was unbearable because he joined the mutiny.</p><p> </p><p>And Yun wasn’t exactly the type that was raring to go for loud rebellion.</p><p> </p><p>The consolation ran dry when Ozai held up the line.</p><p> </p><p>Yun, you didn’t know how good you had it. Prince—er, <em>Firelord</em> Zuko’s father was trying to boss them all around despite no longer being royalty. This grown-ass man was being a petulant little shit without the excuse of being a teenager. </p><p> </p><p>Hmm. Was he supposed to be thinking these thoughts towards the Firelord’s relatives?</p><p> </p><p>Dissent was legal, anyway. It was fine, probably.</p><p> </p><p>“Pay up, Captain!”</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t think he’d out-stubborn Cook Satomi,” Captain Wu exhaled and passed five copper to Crewman San. </p><p> </p><p>Who was getting rich now. He made a mental note to not bet against her.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright. Whoever makes Crewman Keiko facepalm first gets the pot,” Cheng just had to join in. He wanted a fun betting game.</p><p> </p><p>“Keiko, is it true he said the ship should be renamed to Dragon Phoenix?”</p><p> </p><p>“Crewman San San, you were there when I told Crewman Riku,” she answered. She was frustrated, but not facepalming.</p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, Cheng’s braincell was a morning person, which was completely incompatible with his night owl self. He blamed this as the reason why his tactic was… using juvenile humor.</p><p> </p><p>But hey, he was pretty close. She pinched the bridge of her nose.</p><p> </p><p>Honestly, for a while, he thought he was going to win at least half of the pot because he was the closest to a facepalm.</p><p> </p><p>Until Cook Satomi sat with them, and after a brief explanation of the current game, she said, “The worst romance in history isn’t the raunchy romance novel of former Firelord Sozin and previous Avatar Roku. Imagine if Bumi and Ozai fell in love.”</p><p> </p><p>This made Crewman Keiko bury her head in her hands while mumbling "I hate you" over and over again. And then repeatedly slap her forehead, probably in an attempt to get the images out.</p><p> </p><p>Assistant Healer Shufen was embracing her to get rid of the trauma.</p><p> </p><p>Cheng could relate. He scooted to Healer Newbie, but then a wave hit the ship which pushed him away. That sucked.</p><p> </p><p>Cook Satomi wasn’t cracking. She had a secret smile on her face as she calmly told everyone to put their trays back and for Ozai to help her wash the dishes as punishment for holding up the line.</p><p> </p><p>And that’s how Ozai didn’t have a fun time. </p><p> </p><p>“My purpose on this ship is to find the Blue Spirit and restore my glory, woman!”</p><p> </p><p>That was not an argument against washing dishes. Idiot.</p><p> </p><p>And the night shift took over, now. Luckily, they had less time to spend on <em>Ozai-watch</em> because he was asleep during most of their shift.</p><p> </p><p>Well, Captain Wu would fix that eventually, but not tonight. Because he was going to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>As Captain Wu drifted off to sleep, he wondered how his former superior Teruko would’ve dealt with Ozai. He needed tips, and if he got them from a construct of his former boss, who was there to judge?</p><p> </p><p>...Might have stabbed him. Or tossed him off the ship. Or… </p><p> </p><p>Bad idea. That would’ve gotten in King Bumi’s way. Nevermind. He thanked construct-Teruko anyway.</p><p> </p><p>In a nondescript prison, former Crewman Teruko sneezed. Twice.</p><p> </p><p>And so Captain Wu slept with no plan in mind on how to deal with Ozai. That was fine. We can’t all be Sokka.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The Wani and its crew are OCs created by Muffinlance. (I'm not tagging them because this chapter only features Teruko over there.)</p><p>So... Here are the OCs, and I hope you're ok with them. (That isn't even the whole crew, but you know. Manageable.) I tried, I swear I tried. Hopefully they have personalities.</p><p>Helmsman Hiroto (guy who literally finger gunned at Ozai) doesn't really show up here, because he's... steering. Can't really come up with shenanigans there.</p><p>Fun fact: I came up with San's name because... three. She was meant to round out the Keiko, Riku, San trio. But then she ended up saying that Riku was her close friend now and Keiko is a stiff ice block who needed to warm up to both of them first. And that's how she shoved her way into being more set in the trio than Keiko. Who probably just shrugged.</p><p>Also, her name ended up being San San. I have no clue what that means, since my grandfather doesn't either. Also accidentally names character after a relative (not legal name I guess, so everything's fine. Uhhh... if you're related to me, and you know it, I am very sorry because you have to see this whole...)</p><p>Cook Satomi accidentally ended up with the same name as Assistant Healer Satomi from Muffinlance's Wani Crew. I'm keeping it because coincidences happen. That was kinda awkward when I checked the character list to reference the Wani Crew and then I saw Asst. Healer Satomi.</p><p>I had to come up with every single godawful pun in this thing. Two of Ozai's horrible suggestions are mine and I would like to never enter that mindscape again, but I'll have to, so oh well. I'll just bully him more to feel better after. "Flamebringer" is my friend @feet-up's though, because I gave up at two. </p><p>And one last thing. Here's an outline snippet. I eventually moved the 'hellship' things to dinner, actually. </p><p>Good fUCKING MORNING ON THIS HELLSHIP<br/>...could be worse, from what I’ve heard (person knows zuko’s ex-crew who mutinied out<br/>Ok but… ozai<br/>Nvm we are on the hellship</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Spices, Searches, and Stakeouts: For Dummies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What the title says.<br/>Also, Bumi is vibing and appreciating good things, and that's lovely.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>...I wasn't expecting to upload this according to the usual schedule, so that was a nice surprise. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ozai unfurled the scroll that lay unceremoniously on the floor in front of his bed.</p><p> </p><p>His commentary was uninspired, but the scroll was important. The contents were as follows:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Citizen Ozai,</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>By the order of His Majesty Firelord Zuko, Lord of the Dragon Throne, Keeper of Agni’s Eternal Flame:</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The Fire Nation Intelligence Agency sends the attached briefing below. Let none but the intended recipient read any further.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>There has been a recent sighting of the Blue Spirit in Burning Mountain City. Reports have noted petty robbery, defacing of property, and armed assault with dual dao as crimes committed. The Blue Spirit remains at large, although it is theorized that the criminal has been hiding out away from the city and near the volcano itself.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Proceed with caution.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Your chaperone has been instructed to engage with an agent for further details. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>[The letter was signed with Zuko’s royal seal.]</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He snapped it shut. He wanted to do that since the first line.</p><p> </p><p>And it was such an insult for Zuko to use an amateurish seal on this missive. There was a slight wobble to the first character of his… spawn’s name. </p><p> </p><p>Ozai resolved to toss his son in jail the first chance he got for the blatant disrespect. Unprofessional seals were either reserved for those held in contempt, or burned for the failure of the carver.</p><p> </p><p>There was also smug excitement at his son being desperate enough that he was contacted. And <em>clearly</em> the FIA was struggling. There was hardly any information on the paper. </p><p> </p><p>Ozai strolled out feeling lighter and more self-important.</p><p> </p><p>(He was all hot air, Piandao contemplated with every stroke of the brush. This insult could pierce him, as he stamped down on the letter. <em>And this could ruin me</em>, as he sealed and sent it to the Caldera for a final selling point.)</p><p> </p><p>And then Ozai was yanked because his current metal chains, while longer than his previous rock cuffs, were tied to a pole near the door. A crewmember unchained him and pulled him to breakfast.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, Ozai. Nice of you to join us this morning!” Bumi was sincere. Ozai was extra fun to mess with, even more so than his son Zuko, or his brother Iroh. Leagues more fun than Kuzon. Ah. Fire Nation. So uptight.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai heard the imaginary double meaning. When court whispers were all that one heard, they tended to niggle. Ozai forgot that not-politicians and not-nobility said what they meant.</p><p> </p><p>So, like the utter dumbass he is, he was mean to Bumi. “Your presence has sullied this vessel, Bumi.”</p><p> </p><p>...A fork thrown at Ozai’s head later, and they got on with breakfast.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai apparently decided that he was above manners, and mixed business with pleasure in the not-fun way. “Bumi. ...Mad King.” Ozai. This was the improper way to ingratiate yourself to heads of state. Insulting titles were a step down, not up, from abandoning them entirely. </p><p> </p><p>“We will head to Burning Mountain City at once. There will be no delays or detours. The Blue Spirit must be caught immediately!”</p><p> </p><p>No one needed him to say “urgent” thrice. But that was politics for you.</p><p> </p><p>(In the Caldera, Firelord Zuko was frustrated at Financial Minister Yang, who kept asking him if the Firelord’s new tax brackets needed to be implemented now. Firelord Zuko talked about the financing problems caused by the war five times in the last ten minutes. Redundant.</p><p> </p><p>Financial Minister Yang asked again. He was concerned about reforms being done too soon. Zuko put his head in his hands. That was politics for you.)</p><p> </p><p>Ozai forgot that the ship was not, in fact, his council, but was a bunch of sailors, Healer Newbie, and Bumi. Which explained the shock at the snickers that followed.</p><p> </p><p>Money changed hands again. That was bored sailors for you.</p><p> </p><p>(Lieutenant Li Cheng apparently forgot his mantra to never bet against Crewman San San. He tried.)</p><p> </p><p>Soon enough, they disembarked. Bumi slapped both the rock cuffs, and a tea crate on Ozai’s arms.</p><p> </p><p>He demanded to know why.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi wasn’t required to answer Ozai, who was literally beneath him, but also being annoyingly patient was a fun mentor thing. According to Iroh, who tested it, it worked out.</p><p> </p><p>“My friend wants to have a tea party.”</p><p> </p><p>Ozai’s face was extra disbelieving. If his face at Bumi greeting him good morning was a ten, this was a twenty.</p><p> </p><p>(Okay, but. Bumi isn’t lying, Ozai. You’re the lying liar who lies.)</p><p> </p><p>“And then what?”</p><p> </p><p>He shrugged playfully. “I don’t know. I was told there would be food with the tea party.”</p><p> </p><p>From this, Ozai got that Bumi either wasn’t briefed, or he wasn’t telling Ozai enough. Having a habit of underestimating perfectly capable individuals including: his brother, his son, the Avatar, Team Avatar, half of his clerks, and the palace staff, he went for option one.</p><p> </p><p>This despite all the signs of Bumi being the classic cryptic mentor who withheld information. </p><p> </p><p>It was also worth noting that as much as he thought otherwise, Ozai had the people assessment skills of a raw, half-boiled potato.</p><p> </p><p>That was fine. It meant Bumi had an easier time. Hopefully.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe.</p><p> </p><p>(Even Bumi couldn’t tell when the spirits were laughing. They are, if any will care to know.)</p><p> </p><p>They finally unloaded half of the tea crates. New goods were going to be picked up from Bumi’s friend, after all.</p><p> </p><p>Not flowers though. His only flowers were his flower tiles. </p><p> </p><p>And, well.</p><p> </p><p>Food for tea. Fair trade, if Bumi did say so himself.</p><p> </p><p>He hummed happily and went further inland, a jaunty pace-along with Flopsie, dragging Ozai, with the crew trudging in their wake with the tea.</p><p> </p><p>Soon enough, they were there.</p><p> </p><p>At the door knock, a slightly portly middle-aged man answered. “Ah, King Bumi. Good to see you. Come, come. And stay for lunch after gossip. You need to try our house specialty.”</p><p> </p><p>“Huang, it’s good to finally meet you! What do you think of my outfit?”</p><p> </p><p>Huang, having never seen Bumi in person before, assumed that Bumi was just like that all the time. </p><p> </p><p>He’s right.</p><p> </p><p>So he said, “...Very bold.” </p><p> </p><p>Bumi’s outfit was purple, frilly, and something that no sane person would wear, except as a joke. Or if they were coerced.</p><p> </p><p>Huang was honest. He had no lying energy anymore, not since his mother caught him eating the tomatoes at age five. Retrospectively, he shouldn’t have joined the secret organization of secrets when he had no lying energy, but he just really loved Pai Sho, okay?</p><p> </p><p>After tying Flopsie outside and patting his head, Bumi entered the house. What could loosely be described as entering. He went from outside the house to inside the house and that’s all that matters.</p><p> </p><p>The crew placed the crates in his storage area, grabbed the containers of Huang’s chili flakes and boarded them back on The Shipping, then immediately retreated to shore leave. They asked for permission to leave Bumi and Ozai alone beforehand, and Bumi responded by grinning and telling them to go have fun.</p><p> </p><p>They figured this was private.</p><p> </p><p>Well, not really. Too bad they’ll miss out on lunch and the fun there.</p><p> </p><p>Either way, people can have three reasons. Number three is that observing a Pai Sho game is boring for most people.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai was whining about their strategies like a piss-baby for not being ‘Fire Nation’ enough. ...Four reasons.</p><p> </p><p>(Five, actually.)</p><p> </p><p>What else was he expecting? One of them was the King of Omashu, and the other was Iroh’s friend.</p><p> </p><p>“Bumi,” Bumi told Huang to drop the title at the second mention, “Please thank Prince Iroh for the tea. I’m not too well-acquainted with either of you, and it was an honor to have this arrangement.”</p><p> </p><p>“Iroh would tell you it was an honor for him to share his tea with you. That was a fun game of Pai Sho. And now, I smell lunch.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p> </p><p>Kazumi, Huang’s lovely wife, put the food on the table. Both serving plates had a bright red topping over plain rice.</p><p> </p><p>That was the first warning sign.</p><p> </p><p>“Iroh told me about both your spice tolerances, so please get from the plate in front of you.”</p><p> </p><p>Second.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai, from beside Bumi, declared that the Phoenix King would be able to stomach the strongest spice his subject had to offer.</p><p> </p><p>“Please, honored guest. Even Iroh could hardly take it.” Huang. Not that he knew, but he messed up. Ozai and Iroh were siblings. </p><p> </p><p>Ozai took from the hot plate, and declared while chewing, “I, the Great and Terrible Phoenix King, cannot be hindered by this!”</p><p> </p><p>And then he started coughing.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai. That was Huang’s specialty peppers. You had three warnings.</p><p> </p><p>...Ozai’s ears were now steaming. </p><p> </p><p>He warned him, thought Huang, as he chewed. ...Hm, this batch was better than the last.</p><p> </p><p>His face was quickly turning red.</p><p> </p><p>“Piping hot,” exclaimed Bumi. Then he looked right. “Ozai, do you need water?”</p><p> </p><p>He was spluttering… something. (He meant no. And yes.)</p><p> </p><p>“OZAI?” Huang paused and took a sip of water. “No one told me you were traveling with former Firelord Ozai!”</p><p> </p><p>Bumi shoved his half-full glass at Ozai. Ozai did not get the hint, or the help.</p><p> </p><p>“We were afraid you wouldn’t take the tea if it meant a visit from me and Ozai.”</p><p> </p><p>Ozai gulped the water needily while Bumi and Huang were making eye contact. Everyone at the table noticed him. Mission failed.</p><p> </p><p>“No, we wouldn’t have,” Kazumi answered for her husband, who took another bite specifically to one-up Ozai.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai was now hyperventilating and reaching for a second bite, still from the hot plate. Everyone else was a quarter through their meal.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah. I hope the tea will be worth it. I haven’t tried it myself, but it’s by Iroh and he makes the most <em>tea</em>-licious blends. And sorry for Ozai, he gets cranky and uptight a lot.” Something so brave, and so bold, was Bumi describing Ozai like a toddler. It was completely accurate.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai gave up on getting a second bite and scraped most of the chili meal off the rice. Kazumi’s tuts at his waste of her excellent cooking didn’t dissuade him.</p><p> </p><p>Also he was still hyperventilating.</p><p> </p><p>“Mm. Good luck, Bumi.” Huang ended the conversation.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for dinner,” Kazumi asked after lunch ended. And by ‘you’, she meant Bumi. Obviously.</p><p> </p><p>“No, I’m good. We’ll have a campfire dinner!”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>King</em> Bumi, have you forgotten why we are here? The missive said you are to ask an agent for further details! Why are we going camping when you haven’t fulfilled your objective,” he demanded. ...Whined. A mix of the two.</p><p> </p><p>“I am the agent,” said Huang, just as Kazumi pointed at him for Ozai’s benefit.</p><p> </p><p>“Where is the information?”</p><p> </p><p>“Over here.” He was holding up a map and a file. Seriously, Ozai, there were more polite ways to travel people away from the Standard White Lotus Timezone. And he was going to give it in the next five minutes anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Rude bitch.</p><p> </p><p>[<em>“Do bitches need to bitch a lot to qualify?”</em></p><p>
  
</p><p><em>“Who cares, if he’s anything like captain last week, the asswipe bitches all the time.”</em>]</p><p> </p><p>Either way, the whole cryptic fun wink plan was wasted because of Ozai, and they left without any fanfare after Huang handed Bumi the files.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi was trying to be his fun time self, but Ozai being problematic for the fiftieth time that day dampened the mood. He resolved to not be like that the entire trip because otherwise he’d never have any fun, but he’d let himself be annoyed tonight. That was self-care.</p><p> </p><p>It was now dusk.</p><p> </p><p>“Fifty tea crates stuck on the ship, fifty tea crates over theeeere~ We stop at port, the Shipping sells one, forty nine tea crates stuck on the shiiiiiip~” This was advanced payback. It wasn’t the optimal time for payback, but neutral jing would require him to do it while Ozai was at peak annoying time, and that just didn’t make him as happy.</p><p> </p><p>They had searched the city perimeter for any signs of the Blue Spirit traipsing about. As expected, no.</p><p> </p><p>One, Flopsie was noisy and would have alerted the Blue Spirit from fifty paces away.</p><p> </p><p>Two, Bumi.</p><p> </p><p>Three, Ozai was whining really loudly about having to walk the entire way without the crew. Or a palanquin. And the indignity of being a mere citizen.</p><p> </p><p>One would assume from this list that it was all of their faults. </p><p> </p><p>...No it wasn’t any of their faults. And not for Ozai’s lack of trying, either. </p><p> </p><p>There was no Blue Spirit, remember? None.</p><p> </p><p>(A laugh.)</p><p> </p><p>So. The sun fell, and Bumi’s hundred tea crates had whittled down to one.</p><p> </p><p>“—We stop at port, the Shipping sells one, no tea crates stuck on the… SHIIIIIIIIIP~” A sip of water from his canteen. “How was that for a soundtrack?”</p><p> </p><p>At some point between forty nine and forty three crates, Ozai was saying “LALALALALA” while covering his ears. </p><p> </p><p>That said his point for him, but Ozai complained anyway. Because of course he did.</p><p> </p><p>“That was the worst music I’ve ever had to put up with.” Alright. Even the worst had a point sometimes. </p><p> </p><p>But also, Bumi knew that he wasn’t vocally trained, and he did that on purpose. </p><p> </p><p>...Mission accomplished.</p><p> </p><p>Logically, this meant that there was now another mission to be accomplished. That was dinner.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai pouted as he watched Bumi use spark rocks.</p><p> </p><p>And then they had curry.</p><p> </p><p>Flopsie was barely tolerating Ozai, so he was staring at Ozai the entire time while receiving belly rubs.</p><p> </p><p>...So, not an ideal dinner.</p><p> </p><p>Add to that the oppressive silence, and occasional footsteps that half snapped and crunched and cracked at the scattered twigs vaguely behind them.</p><p> </p><p>Wait.</p><p> </p><p>Footsteps.</p><p> </p><p>Flopsie perked up. Someone was nearby.</p><p> </p><p>Crunch.</p><p> </p><p>It was a meter away, and that was what piqued Ozai’s attention despite the repeated attempts at snapped twigs.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai will maintain that he did not shriek.</p><p> </p><p>Animals don’t lie, Ozai. Flopsie would contest this at every opportunity, especially if he was hungry.</p><p> </p><p>They turned around.</p><p> </p><p>Nothing.</p><p> </p><p>A thud.</p><p> </p><p>He finished the full three sixty in aggravation at probably being pranked, rattling chains trailing.</p><p> </p><p>(Another laugh from sideways. Firelord Zuko felt a slight shudder.)</p><p> </p><p>A blue mask grinned at Ozai’s face.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai definitely, surely, didn’t scream.</p><p> </p><p>It grinned. It teased and it toyed, and most of all, it dared Ozai. <em>Strike me, <em>it said without needing to,</em> and you’ll be free</em>.</p><p> </p><p>It didn’t move. A mere paper tiger faced off against another. </p><p> </p><p>Ozai seemed to realize he wasn’t going to die. The being didn’t even draw the trademark swords. </p><p> </p><p>He swung.</p><p> </p><p>...Ozai. How did you not notice it was a <em>dummy</em>. </p><p> </p><p>It would’ve saved him the massive disappointment at watching it pathetically flop downwards, rushed backstitching revealing itself as the dummy fell flat on its mask. Which didn’t knock like wood, either.</p><p> </p><p>(Jeong Jeong was staring meditatively at his stitching. Eh, good enough. It wasn’t firebending, and he was extra not-grumpy about that. This was all he was doing the entire evening. So, he lay back and got back to it.)</p><p> </p><p>A rustle in the trees.</p><p> </p><p>That interrupted whatever Ozai was thinking and prompted him to declare, “The Blue Spirit is deceiving us!”</p><p> </p><p>“Or, he could just be showing off his arts and crafts skills. That mask looks like it took a lot of effort to replicate.” Bumi was legitimately impressed at Jeong Jeong’s work. And wondering if his grumpy friend enjoyed other types of arts and crafts.</p><p> </p><p>“But he remains here. Bumi! We must search the mountain… at once.”</p><p> </p><p>So they did.</p><p> </p><p>To Ozai’s immediate regret five seconds later, at his dirt re-streaked boots. But also Bumi threatened (said, Ozai <em>didn’t understand</em>) him with hanging out with Flopsie if he backed out of facing his actions’ consequences.</p><p> </p><p>So he trudged, bored, waiting for something.</p><p> </p><p>Reward.</p><p> </p><p>The spirits’ reward was a little shack, a ways from the mountain and the people. Lowly, and a plain brown log <em>thing</em> by torchlight. It made Ozai scoff.</p><p> </p><p>The scourge of the Fire Nation lived in a mere pile of sticks? What kind of robber wouldn’t make use of their stolen riches?</p><p> </p><p>Worth noting, again, that Ozai wasn’t very smart or open-minded.</p><p> </p><p>Bumi went inside, again impressed by workmanship. The crew built this in an afternoon? And had enough time for shore leave after? He whistled. A plus teamwork skills.</p><p> </p><p>There was a candle inside. And a paper left on the desk.</p><p> </p><p>A single character was written down on it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Fire.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>That wasn’t helpful now, was it? Too bad, Ozai. Hints require brain. </p><p> </p><p>And this was a test.</p><p> </p><p>The spirits’ reward was a little shack with a little candle on a desk, where breezes came to stay. The wind blew from the creaky “window” towards the little candle and the paper in Ozai’s hand.</p><p> </p><p>He dropped it on the floor. The wooden floor.</p><p> </p><p>Ozai left Burning Mountain City as he came, a clueless idiot with his tail between his legs. </p><p> </p><p>Flopsie was hungry. Bumi looked at Flopsie’s rations and marked another stop on the map as they sailed. He couldn’t feed Flopsie their recently acquired fireflakes, those were bad for him. They needed more cabbage.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter's personally pretty important to me. This fic has three legs it stands on, in terms of the reasons I wrote it. One, the amazing tumblr post this was inspired by. Two, the fact that no one wrote it yet and also the fact that my brain just wanted Bumi messing with Ozai. And three, which is probably the most personal, the snippets of stories and culture that I put in sometimes. I wouldn't have written this fic without the three initial hyperspecific pinoy culture things, or just family things that I figured could be fun and fill up space in the unexplored areas of ATLA-world.</p><p>That's a really long way to say that I wanted to incorporate my relative's story about accidentally eating just chilis (with rice, of course) in his stay in Bicol. It's not a retelling. I just really wanted a scene like that. So, I wrote this and made Ozai less sympathetic and not unwitting for the fun of it. ...It was originally going to be combined with another food-related scene, but well, things said no, so nope.</p><p>Well, I hope you found this chapter fun. Yeah, that's it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Must Be Nice To Have The Avatar On Your Side</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A check in on how the palace is doing, and Aang shows up.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello. Yes, I did drop off the face of the Earth.</p><p>Kind of sorry to say, but I am kind of losing interest in atla. It's just not gripping me as much anymore. But since I don't want to leave this unfinished, all the parts in which I give up writing (first seen halfway through this chapter) are going to be summarized in brackets. I might condense filler chapters and stuff.</p><p>But I will finish the plot of this thing.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Aang breezed into the room with the fevered intensity of a caffeinated and angry Toph. But sunshine-y. Firelord Zuko’s inkwell spilled on his prison reform paperwork. </p><p> </p><p>Oops.</p><p> </p><p>It was one of those days that Zuko thought, <em>this might as well happen</em>, as Aang was inkbending his papers dry. At least it wasn’t Toph who broke in today. He still owed Toph a field trip, plus an extra unspecified favor for having her look over the recently signed Gaoling trade deal. </p><p> </p><p>Wait. “Look over”. </p><p> </p><p>...Review? (No. It has ‘view’ in it, Zuko.)</p><p> </p><p>Double check. She double checked it as Zuko read it aloud. Despite wanting nothing to do with her parents anymore, she still talked about her experience and what little she was told about the Beifong business. Thanks, Toph.</p><p> </p><p>The ink swished back into its proper place. Aang was still chattering.</p><p> </p><p>“—and honestly it feels a little bit like soupbending. Do you think I could bend water mixed with oil, Zuko? Oh wait, I need to get to the point. Sorry I haven’t visited lately, I was doing some restoration work with the Air Temples, I got a team helping me and it looks so much more like it used to, I’ll take you all to see it someday! I’m just stopping by to check on you and Sokka, and because there was a… spirit issue somewhere here? That’s what I heard.”</p><p> </p><p>Zuko’s brain was processing. It took longer than Sokka’s brain, but he gets there eventually.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s a spirit issue here? Why does no one tell me anything?” He put his head in his hands. And almost fell asleep there.</p><p> </p><p>Aang shook him awake. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry about it, Zuko. You need a break sometimes.” A beat. “Anyway, I may have dropped Momo off at the gardens and some of the gardeners started looking worried so we should go there?”</p><p> </p><p>“Which garden, Aang?”</p><p> </p><p>“The outer one?”</p><p> </p><p>“Aang? I still have no idea.” Zuko did a thinking face. “Okay, what was in the garden?”</p><p> </p><p>“There was a pond—”</p><p> </p><p>“You left Momo with the turtleducks.” Zuko was horrified. As he should be. He knew Momo’s character, after all.</p><p> </p><p>And this was why the Fire Lord was almost tripping on his robes in a mad dash to the turtleduck pond. </p><p> </p><p>The sight they were introduced to was very… Momo.</p><p> </p><p>The turtleducks were all waddling while retracted into their shells, save for the mother, who was pecking at a servant with Momo on their head. The fountain was, somehow not inexplicably, on fire. </p><p> </p><p>Some of the guards were also gawking at the Momo on the servant’s head, and fanning at it. Or poking it. This caused Momo to do a maneuver called ‘go on everyone’s heads and knock people over’ because he wasn’t able to do this as often as before.</p><p> </p><p>“MOMO!” Aang called out. Because Momo was a force of chaos and probably hungry. And Aang had snacks in his pocket.  </p><p> </p><p>So, that fixed that. Which is good, because it was barely morning and there was a whole day left.</p><p> </p><p>Part of said ‘whole day’ was Firelord Zuko’s follow up meeting regarding prison reform wrapping up the five year plan for moving prisons toward restorative justice.</p><p> </p><p>Shocker, right? People in boxes in the middle of nowhere didn’t help anyone, and people in boxes were still people. Either way, said meeting still had people from the Ozai regime, which led to problems.</p><p> </p><p>And points having to be brought up like: no security is perfect, and the Firelord can say that from personal experience.</p><p> </p><p>This spirals. </p><p> </p><p>(Capital city prison, which is completely different from Caldera prison, was where Ozai was held. It was the prison, before the Caldera prison was built in Firelord Azulon’s reign. Coincidentally, the guard with Ozai’s release papers passed it onto their supervisor, who passed it onto their supervisor.)</p><p> </p><p>The definitely relevant supervisor in question was at the meeting for the obvious reason of being in charge of prisons in general.</p><p> </p><p>(If Aang concentrated really hard, he might’ve heard Bumi cackling as he played cabbage bowling. If he concentrated even harder, he might’ve heard it layered over with another laugh.)</p><p> </p><p>Said supervisor was (un)fortunately also relevant enough to open his mouth and give Opinions.</p><p> </p><p>“Firelord Zuko, you can’t reduce the number of prisons! Most of them are fully operational and yet we still deal with the infamous scourge of the Fire Nation, the Blue Spirit. How are we supposed to stop criminals like them without prisons?”</p><p> </p><p>Zuko stared at him.</p><p> </p><p>The supervisor stared back.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone else was staring at the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>Aang was also in the meeting room staring, confused.</p><p> </p><p>Luckily they didn’t make it a staring contest, so everyone was getting the right amount of blinks.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh. The Blue Spirit isn’t a problem anymore?” Firelord Zuko tried.</p><p> </p><p>(A laugh in the rafters.)</p><p> </p><p>“But Firelord Zuko, there are reports from the Fire Nation Intelligence Agency about the Blue Spirit being at large. They must be captured. They are a major security threat who has harassed several officials and government offices, and broke into Pouhai Stronghold, among other crimes. Who knows where they are and what they’re up to next?”</p><p> </p><p>Zuko was a bad liar. Aang could see that in action right now. He looked like he wanted to hide under his chair, or run away. Wasn’t Zuko supposed to be the one who didn’t run away a lot? <em>Huh</em>, Aang thought. <em>I’m the one who doesn’t want to escape this really awkward situation. Character development?</em> Either way, that wasn’t important and he had to save his friend before he got himself arrested.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh! Uh, I think Zuko just… forgot to pardon the Blue Spirit, haha. Or he assumed that since h— they tried to free me back in Pouhai. Zuko made it clear that we’re friends now, so I guess he thought that the Blue Spirit would stop causing trouble since I’m by his side? Or maybe it’s an impostor, maybe the Intelligence Agency could double check? I can help, I’m the Avatar and Appa’s a really fast mode of transport.”</p><p> </p><p>This left the supervisor dumbstruck. This didn’t stop him from trying to reiterate his point.</p><p> </p><p>“Supervisor Xun, you may repeat your point after the recess.” Firelord Zuko wanted to go have lunch with Sokka, Aang, and his Uncle now, thank you very much. He was tired, and if he was forced to sit there for another minute he might have deliberately sat upside down.</p><p> </p><p>So they all went off, scattered like leaves in a breeze. <em>Very red leaves</em>, Aang thought. The Fire Nation could try to be less allergic to not-red.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka and Iroh greeted them at the restaurant, already seated and having reserved a table. Thank messenger hawks for letting Sokka’s plans know at such a short notice that Aang was here.</p><p> </p><p>“—So,” Sokka began while chewing, “—how was the meeting? Jerks still circlejerking and not letting you do anything?”</p><p> </p><p>A nod in response. Yeah, basically.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah. Luckily for you, you have…” Cue jazz hands, “...friends.”</p><p> </p><p>“Friends,” Zuko repeated, not comprehending anything.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, Zuko. Aang could… Avatar around and support you. We stick around for each other. That’s what friends do. I mean… you stick up for us even if you don’t have to, so why don’t we do the same?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think getting my policies approved by the Avatar would help with those stuffy ministers,” said Zuko, brain blank.</p><p> </p><p>Drinking water and rest helped him think, Zuko remembered his Uncle telling him. He chugged down his glass, despite being barely halfway through his meal.</p><p> </p><p>“Zuko, are you okay?” Iroh asked.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh. Look at his face. That’s a no. </p><p> </p><p>“No,” Zuko replied for himself before anyone could. That was progress.</p><p> </p><p>Iroh shoved a cup of tea towards him even though he just saw Zuko chug a whole glass of water. This was the verified Iroh response to trauma and sadness. </p><p> </p><p>Zuko also chugged the tea.</p><p> </p><p>“Zuko, how could you?” This was the verified Iroh response to tea-chugging.</p><p> </p><p>“Uncle, you hate the tea here. We only came here because you like the roast porkduck,” Zuko said. </p><p> </p><p>[Here is where the pre-written things end. There are a bunch of filler conversations, the warmth of found family, food being eaten, and finally something important happens.]</p><p>“Oh hey, Zuko. I’ve been wondering, though. <em>Why</em> are the Blue Spirit rumors back,” Aang asks.</p><p> </p><p>Sokka and Iroh sweat. It’s not just the heat, though for Sokka it’s half the cause.</p><p> </p><p>“Aang, I honestly have no idea. The supervisor just sprung it on me. Are there things I’m not privy to behind the scenes, Uncle? You don’t have to baby me.”</p><p> </p><p>Well.</p><p> </p><p>He’s right.</p><p> </p><p>“Zuko, I think it’s just hearsay.” Smooth… as a cliff.</p><p> </p><p>[And then Zuko conveniently had to go to the bathroom or something. Either way, one obstacle out of the picture. The other obstacle to Sokka and Iroh’s Super Secret Prank staying Secret remains. And is incredibly inquisitive.]</p><p>“Sokka, why’d you just exhale in relief?”</p><p> </p><p>And not to mention, Sokka was a terrible, terrible liar.</p><p> </p><p>[Aang. Can we get your permission to borrow Momo? If you’re going to be in on this, we’re gonna need your help. </p><p> </p><p>They explain the plan, and the reasoning. Aang, we swear it’s a harmless prank. We’re not killing Ozai by disappearing him or sending him somewhere dangerous. We just want him to go to random places. They say.</p><p> </p><p>Aang lends Momo. </p><p> </p><p>And don’t. Tell Zuko.</p><p> </p><p>“—believe I ran into the prison supervisor in the restroom. Did I miss anything guys?”]</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes, the chapter title <em>is</em> a Hamilton reference in 2020. In my defense it applies to both Aang being Zuko's friend and Aang helping Sokka and Iroh by the end of the chapter.</p><p>Also lmao because Zuko literally shows up 5 mins late like "what'd I miss".</p><p>Some haha funnies because I have no brain</p><p>Zuko: so am I illegal now<br/>Aang: no. because... probably not. ...right?</p><p>Zuko: friends????? can help???? you????? i do not have the brain for this<br/>Iroh, inside: zuko, when do you have a brain</p><p>Zuko, chugging tea in front of his uncle: i have no fear</p><p>also here's my <a href="%E2%80%9Dwhats-a-reading.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D"> tumblr</a></p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ahhh... This is technically the second? fic I've written... ever. The first fic is a oneshot that still isn't finished. Because dammit. And that one's also inspired by a tumblr post. What the hell even is originality anymore and when did I lose it.</p><p>here's my tumblr if you want... or something: whats-a-reading.tumblr.com</p><p>also here was my base outline thing for chapter 1:</p><p>Sokka: hey bitchlord, so uh if you find the blue spirit and bring him in alive, the firelord pinky promises to get aang to get your bending back<br/>Bitch (Ozai): oh haha you’re desperate aren’t you<br/>Sokka: okay nice you’re down. So pick a chaperone now. Your options are Jeong Jeong, Piandao, and Bumi. Time’s up you get Bumi. He’ll pick you up tomorrow or something.<br/>Ozai: what have I done</p></blockquote></div></div>
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